Vanilla Sugar Scrub

Vanilla Sugar Scrub

You will just need a few things from your kitchen that you probably already have!

Here is what you will need:

1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 a cup of olive oil (maybe a little more if too dry)
2 tsp of vanilla


How to:

1. Mix brown sugar & white sugar until completely combined.

2. Slowly add oil and Mix as you go. If you need to add more than what the recipe calls for, do this after you have mixed the 1/2 a cup in completely. I found I needed a little more than a 1/2 a cup.

3. Add in your vanilla and mix well.

4. I store mine in a mason jar, but you could use anything that seals like Tupperware.

5. & that's it! Incredibly easy! 


I use mine before I shave my legs to exfoliate really well which makes for a nice smooth shave. After my shower I moisturize with coconut oil and then put my regular daily moisturizer on top. Right now I am using Philosophy body lotion. 

I plan on making a few different scrubs next week! I am going to make a honey and lemon scrub as well as a cinnamon and coffee scrub. 

Happy exfoliating:)

Covered by His Grace

 This can be such a touchy subject because of everyone's different opinions on the matter, but it has been weighing heavy on my heart lately so I wanted to talk about it a little. Hard times in life have a funny way of bringing things to light that you normally wouldn't think much about.

Here is my question for you...

How many times have you said or heard someone else say "Oh yeah, and they claim to be a Christian" (insert eye roll and huge sigh)?

I am very guilty of this or to some degree of this.  I cannot count on all my fingers(& toes) how many times I have heard someone speak these words.  Where do we get off making such a statement?  Who do we think we are?  A Christian is not someone who claims to be perfect, but a person who is screaming "I am a sinner and I need God's unending love!"  A Christian is someone who honors the Lord and admits they need God's grace to save them from their sins.  A Christian is someone who sends their worries up to God and prays for peace in their journeys through hard times.

We as Christians tend to give ourselves a bad rap of pointing fingers at people for their sins and making them feel unworthy.  There is usually no issue calling out someone else of their sins, but we have a huge issue having our sins called out.  This of course does not go for all Christians, but Non-Christians seem to put all Christians in the same category.  Instead of reaching out to those who have yet to learn the beauty of a relationship with God, they are being ridiculed for all their wrong-doings and torn down because of their sin. As Christians we should be showing them how awesome our Savior is and how great it feels to be saved by His Grace and not counting how many mistakes they are making and not keeping a running count of their sins.  All this is going to accomplish is to push them further and further away from creating a relationship with Him.  I know that I personally do not want to be part of someone's decision to not know God the way I do.

Who are we to judge another sinner? While some sins are thought to be "worse" than others...a sin is a sin. Period.  We are all sinners living in this crazy world.  If only we could worry about our own sins more than everyone else's.  I have found myself looking back at people I met years ago, maybe in high school or before, who were lost and frankly not great people, but they completely turned their lives around and built a relationship with God.  I have caught myself thinking "Pshhh--Please, I know the real you".  <--That is the most absurd thought.  God loves us all unconditionally and accepts us entirely, even our rocky past and terrible sins. If God can accept me for who I am and for what I have done, then why for a second would I question that he wouldn't for someone else?

I know I am a sinner, but I also know that I am covered by God's grace.  This is not an easy out for me to sin and think it is fine because all my sins are forgiven anyways.  It is the reason why I should hold myself to a higher standard and try to be better than I was yesterday. 

I am going to hold myself accountable when I think or say something judgmental.  It is a hard thing to do because naturally we like to have all sorts of opinions of everyone else.  It will not be easy.  I will make mistakes and I will fail, but I know that if I can make a little difference in the lives around me it will be worth it. Just some food for thought and a look into what has been on my mind lately.

Update on life:

We have added a new member to our family this past week!  Meet our new little doodle, Charlie.  We love him so much already and so does his big brother and sister.  In fact, he is Teddy's real little brother. They have the same mama! We are so excited to have another pup to love.

& on the fertility front of things:

We just finished another failed cycle.  We had my monthly blood work done and again my progesterone was above average at 28.7.  My estrogen was again very low at 78. In fact it was even lower this cycle than last. Dr. Parker has decided to continue all of my other medications as usual, but we will be adding Estradiol(pill form of estrogen) and Mucinex at the beginning of my cycle. Hopefully these little things will make a huge difference.  We can only hope!  I have an appointment with Dr. Parker on Monday the 20th of this month to go over what we have learned thus far and I am very excited to see what He thinks! I will be sure to give an update if any new information comes to light.

Until next time...

It all starts with being hurt...

Hurt: Mental or emotional suffering or torment

Anger: An emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.


Jealously/envy: A feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another.


Bitterness: Anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment.

These are just a few common emotions of infertility (& life really), but absolutely not all of them.

  When we are hurt we allow anger to bloom in our hearts. Whether we realize it or not everyone does it. God warns us to guard ourselves when anger is present because a sin is near waiting to take over our thoughts and emotions. If I think back to what began my anger..the start is really just a wound that has become infected with bitterness, envy and hate.


  We shouldn't allow our anger to turn into hate and bitterness that we push into others lives. The only way to conquer sin is to overcome the anger that will linger. The only way to overcome anger is to turn it over to God. Easier said than done most of the time, but I hope that if I say it enough times I can actually follow through at least some of the time.

  Allowing anger to stay in my heart will never help me. It takes over your every thought and action, makes you physically sick from the stress and worry, and causes you to make spur of the moment comments that you can never take back. It's much better to forgive people and/or move past situations than to be angry and hateful, not only for yourself but for others too.

  This not only goes for anger, but jealously and pain that no one has intentionally caused you to feel can turn to anger as well . Sometimes it is not a person that hurt you, but a situation you are in that damages you. When you see others happy or getting what you feel is yours, it hurts and that jealously turns to anger and bitterness.

  People say well just control it and stop getting so worked up. This insanity of infertility is not something you control. Are you aware of the definition of insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Isn't that what I do every cycle? It's craziness. It consumes everything you are and every thought deep down in your bones. The yearning to have a family of your own does not fade or get easier, you just get better with hiding it. It's easy to say I won't get my hopes up and I won't get upset when my friends share their amazing news of child with me, but it never ever fails...I die a little more inside every single time. It literally feels like someone is sucking the breath right from my lungs when I see another negative test or hear of another friend being pregnant.

  This is not to make people feel guilty for living their lives or to say I am not happy for my friends and family. It is just to somehow try and remotely explain the ache I have in my heart. There is no good way to go about explaining it. I know things could be much worse, but for me this is terrible, miserable, torturous pain I go through every single day. I wish I could say it's gotten easier, but that would be a lie.

  This disease I have not only effects me. It effects my family and friends. Those closest to my heart live a lot of the pain I go through and I feel guilty because of that. I should be able to go to my best friends baby showers without feelings of jealousy and bitterness. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to them. I question every day how in the world I am going to ever get past this.  There is a great chance we may never have a child of our own and I need to find a way to accept that somehow. 

  I know God has a master plan for my life and what I feel I need may not be what God KNOWS I need. Learning to accept the life I have and accept his plan without knowing why is the hardest battle I have to handle. We are curious creatures of habit. We know we will never know why God does what he does, but we still beg for the why and the how and the when. Luckily, he never gets tired of hearing our questions. I was reminded of this at service yesterday morning at church. It could not have come at a more perfect timing for me.

  If you are interested in watching my church's sermon from this week I am adding the link here for you.  Hang in there because like with all good things, it takes time to get to the good stuff:)

http://www.gracefellowship.cc/my-bad-church-experience-2014


For now I am hurting, but I hope that with prayer and perseverance I can push myself to have just enough strength to get me through.

I thought I would do a fun post instead of all the serious ones I tend make.

So here are 30 lovely facts about me!:

1.)  Yellow is my favorite color, almost to a fault. Mustard yellow is the best. So, if you want to buy me something yellow i will love you forever and ever.

2.)  I went to school for dental assisting & I loved it, but somehow I ended up as a tanning salon manager & I love this even more.

3.) My life long dream is to have a huge family and a yellow ranch(I told you yellow is amaze balls--you are welcome Jen & Walter) with a big wrap around porch on a huge amount of land with all my little Smathers kiddies running around. Oh and a few animals like another doodle, a couple horses, a piggy, & some chickies.

4.) I love root beer.

5.) Jesus is AWESOME, but seriously though, I love my life because of him.

6.)I love chick flicks, even the cheesy lifetime movies. And I would choose comfy pjs, my couch, and a movie over going out on the town any day of the week.

7.) I love country music entirely too much. I never listen to pop, rap or the biggest hits...I kinda don't even know half of the top 40, sorry Seacrest i still love you.

8.)  I am crazy about junk food. I literally could live off of chips and cookies and soda. It's a terrible habit that I am sure will catch up with me.

9.) I already have my future kids names picked out and if someone close to me uses my names, ill cut them. Totally kidding, but I will still use the names and I do not care how many of my little E's & S's there are in their kindergarten class.

10.) My husband is my best friend, hands down. He rocks my socks!

11.) I'm a little overly obsessed with my doggies and PROUD of it! Dude, my dogs are the best dogs ever and no one can try and tell me their dogs are cooler than mine, I ain't havin' it!

12.) I've been called a girly-girl and materialistic a time or two, but I disagree...I like nice things and I take care of myself there is a difference.

13.) I love love love vintage anything & thrifting. My whole house is made up of my family heirlooms and antique & thrift store finds. Take me to a antique store and ill stay for hours.

14.) Speaking of, my Todd always, always asks me if I could own my own business like he does, what would it be? Ummmm can I please own my own antique shop/Boutique...a girl can dream!

15.) I am constantly told I have an old soul and I take that as a compliment.

16.) I am absolutely not shy and I have no problem carrying on conversation with a complete stranger, but don't you dare make me speak or do anything in front of a group of people because I will undoubtedly flake on you or vomit. Trust me, just don't do it. I was the kid in class who came down with the flu on presentation day and on my presentation make up day, or the kid who all the sudden had a coughing spell on my turn to read out loud. Yep, that's me.

17.) I don't like showing off my goods, which is obviously a good thing, but try shopping in the juniors section and find something that doesn't show Boobs, butt, or belly. GOOD LUCK TO YA!

18.) I am extremely small(5'7 and 110 lbs. to be exact), you don't have to tell me how skinny I am---I totally own a mirror. Just how you don't like to be called chunky or fat, I don't want to be told i am too skinny or I look sick because I'm so thin. I eat, A LOT. So please spare me the "eat a cheeseburger jokes"---I eat them quite often. I just have a fast metabolism, thanks Daddio.

19.) I love a good book. Really inappropriate chick books are my favorites. I'm so lame. I will read just about anything if it is recommended by someone I trust though, so please recommend peeps.

20.) I have major anxiety when people drink alcohol.. I full out panic. No idea why because i used to hang with the best of them. In high school I was terrible and partied way too much for a high school student, let alone an adult. I am not proud of it at all so this is the last time you'll hear me bring that up. Blah.

21.) I've been through a lot more than people even know because I'm very secretive in certain aspects of my life. There are certain things I haven't even shared with Todd because I am just not ready to. One day I would like to think i'll get the courage up to talk it out.

22.) I am a shopping freak, but Todd is worse...He will say I am though.

23.) I get stressed and worry easily. Todd is the complete opposite and is very "chill" about everything, which is one of my favorite qualities of his. He levels me out, thank goodness for that!

24.) Dirty dancing & Pretty woman are my all time favorite movies thanks to my Mama! Julia Roberts is drop dead gorgeous!

25.) I have never been out of the country before, but I want to travel so badly!

26.) I love spaghetti. Only if my Mama or I make it though.

27.) Crafting can be fun & I am pretty good at it for the most part, but usually I get about half way in to a project and get bored or tired and I have to push to make it to the finish line.

28.) Speaking of finish lines, I'm extremely out of shape. I can't tell you the last time I worked out. I always say I am going to start and it never ever happens. I would like to try yoga this year though so I guess we can add that one to my bucket list.

29.) 99.9% of my friends have a couple kids already or are working on their seconds. Slow down people i'm trying to catch up!

30.) Fall is my favorite time of the year without a doubt! 

Now you know some of my deepest darkest secrets and some random & strange things about me.  I am sure it will change your life forever. 

THE END.

Cheers to the New Year (& Maybe babies)...

Every year I come up with another resolution that I stick with for a month or so and then it slowly fades away because I choose something that is either way too general which makes it hard to follow and stick with without making exceptions and excuses, or I just come up with something quickly and I don't actually set a plan to follow through. A little before Christmas I started thinking about what I wanted to work on to make 2014 better, but I couldn't make a decision of exactly what I wanted to work on.  There are so many things that I need to work on in my life that I could go on and on with things I should make my resolution, but I wanted to choose something that was going to make a huge difference.

 I realized that a lot of the things I was contemplating to put all my efforts in rebuilding and working on all came back to one main thing, my marriage.  I thought about making it a goal to repair our finances and get all of my school loans and medical bills paid, which would in turn make our marriage less stressful.  I thought about making an effort to keep up with things around the house so that my husband can always (ok, that's extreme. how about a lot of the time?) come home to a clean home.  I contemplated making more of an effort to not let things outside our marriage effect us. I also tend to have a bit of a loud mouth in my marriage.  I most defiantly have no issues speaking my mind with Todd and of course in a marriage speaking your mind and talking about feelings is great, but there is a good way and a bad way of doing that.  I tend to go towards the bad road most of the time and just blurt it out.  I need to take time to think about things before I say them and not turn into the incredible hulk every time things don't go well.  I am lucky Todd has the complete opposite personality as I do or we probably would be in a world of hurt right now. I can thank my Daddy for my opinionated always have to be right mind, and I can thank my Mama for my strong will. By the way,thanks for that mom & dad:)  I guess it could have been worse if I didn't also get my Dad's giving heart and my Mom's forgiving one <3.


SO with all of that being said my official New Year resolution is:

To build a better relationship with Jesus & with my husband.  Not because the relationships are failing, but because my marriage and God are THE most important things in my life. I never want to stop learning and growing in my relationship with God.  I refuse to fail in my marriage because of things like finances, stupid mistakes, and words you cant take back.  Marriage is more than a contract to me, its my life! Lucky for you babe, you are stuck with my till I am old and grey:)

I like this resolution.  Who says a resolution has to be something you give up or some kind of torture you decide on the 31st to put yourself through for as many months as you can handle.  This year is going to be a blast spending it with the two people I love most, Jesus and my husband.  Now who is lucky? This girl right here!!



I hope this year brings my family, friends, and I  happiness, hope, and some 2014 babies!!!!!

CHEERS TO THE NEW YEAR!!

Unexpected moments of Hope

  



So clearly I am pretty amazing at being a lazy bum, hints the fact that it has been a good month since my last post! It is so easy this time of year to bundle up in comfy clothes with a cup of coffee and a good book and get lost in it. During the summer and fall I am running around non-stop so when winter and spring come around I like to spend it being a home-body. I would like to blame my absence on quite a few life events, but basically it all comes back to being too tired and lazy. I am exhausted! These fertility medications kick your booty (I guess I can kinda put some of the blame here). I am thinking about doing a name change to "Mrs. Moody", its really that bad sometimes.  Poor Todd has gotten the brunt of my moodiness, Sorry babe!! BUT the good news is I am back and I am going to try my best to be more proactive with my writing and we are defiantly making progress in 2014!


Let's jump right into to things shall we?

Sadly, we did not have an extra special Christmas announcement this year, but we have made a lot of progress at least. The previous cycle we recently ended was not as terrible as it could have been.  My blood test were done 7 days post ovulation and they stated that my progesterone was at a whopping  38, which for you folks who don't know, that's pretty high considering the level only needs to be at least 13. Although, my estrogen levels is a whole other story. My estrogen was extremely low. It needed to be at a level of 120 at least and it was only at 88. Basically, that stinks! Estrogen is prevalent in the first half of the cycle and it reaches it's highest level during ovulation.  Low estrogen can make for a weak ovulation, no thickening of the uterine lining which is extremely important and needed for implantation of fertilized eggs, and low quality of CM--if you are unaware of what this is, don't ask, you will thank me later:).

Dr. Parker had decided after my last failed cycle with my estrogen issues that we would try one more cycle without changing anything just to see if my hormone levels even out because it was only my second cycle since my surgery.  We are well into this cycle now and so far so good.  If my estrogen levels or something else is not great again this cycle then the plan is to change up my medication regimen for next cycle.

My hopes for this cycle are of course high as always, but I know realistically this is more of a test cycle and the chances of conceiving are low.  Nothing is impossible though! Miracles happen every single day.  This was brought to my attention more so than normal at work on Friday.

In case you do not already know where I work,  I am a manager of a local tanning salon.  While I was working on Friday, a customer of mine came in to cancel her tanning membership. I looked up her name and saw that she had not used her membership in 3 full months, but had paid for it so I of course asked if there is anything she was un happy with.  She got very nervous and I could tell she was thinking about how she was say what she needed to say.  She all the sudden just blurted out "I am Pregnant and I was nervous that if I cancelled it would jinx us." I told her congratulations and said no reason to worry about jinxing it, but I totally understand that worry.  She began opening up about her previous miscarriages and how hard it was to get where she is today.  I gave her a little mini version of our story too and oh my gosh it was crazy how much we have in common.  Turns out, we both have Endometriosis and low estrogen.  We both have had many chemical pregnancies due to progesterone levels and our endometriosis.  We both have done numerous types of medicines and treatments basically in the same order. And it gets crazier, we both have gone to the exact same doctors in the exact same order.  The only difference is that she is about 6 months ahead of me with Dr. Parker!!  We began to compare medicines that worked for her and time frames and such and it was so awesome to hear her success story!  I truly believe that God sends moments and people into our lives to help us and teach us and this was a perfect example of that.  She was so lovely and kind to me and she really had no reason to be.  It is so refreshing to meet people like that.  She let me know that although it may seem never ending and that things are moving so slowly with Dr. Parker (He is known to work slowly, but with amazing success), he will get us to the point we long to be at.  Not that I needed to meet her to believe Dr. Parker was going to help us, but it sure did help me rest my worries I did have.  I am so thankful to have met her.

I will never be able to express in words how significant and beautiful God's work truly is. Knowing He loves me unconditionally and He has a specific reason for every little thing in my day to day life can only be described as one thing, amazing.  No one else in the world will ever be able to love me like He does and I am so grateful I have rebuilt my relationship with him this year. There is nothing greater to me than living a life with Jesus!

For this cycle, I plan on just relaxing and just enjoying the New Year.  I pray this year is everything that I and my fellow TTC ladies wish for and more!!

Cheers to the New Year!



Tis' the season to be grumpy...

Oh holiday season, we meet again.

  It is a very bittersweet time of the year for me. It's a time filled of falling colorful leaves, yummy pies, hot chocolate, snowy Christmas mornings, sparkling Christmas trees, perfectly wrapped presents, and extra time with family friends. What's not to love right? You would think it would be the "best time of the year" for me, like it is for so many.  But, every year it's the same story.  I put up our Christmas decorations and start prepping for the holidays only to be disappointed when I finish. Two measly stockings. A Christmas tree with no toys. No elf on the shelf. No cookies for Santa. Just a tree with some dang lights and a couple of stockings. Blah. It's like the life gets sucked right out of what's supposed to be such a joyful time. There is something so magical about Christmas time with children. They are full of excitement and have such happy and giving hearts. Having another Christmas without a child of our own is extremely hard...probably the hardest.

  Every year for Christmas I wish for nothing more than a BIG FAT Positive pregnancy test.  I dream of announcing the amazing news with our family Christmas morning.  I literally have it completely planned out down to the gifts I would give to share the news.  It's almost kind of pathetic how planned out I actually have it!  I just lay in bed at night and think of all the things people would say when we finally told them "We're Pregnant!".  I picture everyone screaming, jumping up and down, tears of happiness, and being smothered with hugs....that would be one awesome day!! Honestly, any day we are able to share that kind of news with our loved ones would be the best day ever, but how cool would it be to be able to on Christmas? Pretty darn cool.

  It is an entirely different ball game dealing with infertility during the holidays.  I cringe at the thought of  waking up on one more Christmas and not hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running in to wake us up on Christmas morning.  It's hard not to think about the facts.  IF we would have gotten pregnant early on when we first started trying we could have had a little 3 year old tearing apart gifts from Santa.  It is especially hard when you think about what could've been.  It is a dangerous place to in your thoughts to visit, but somehow I always end up there.

  We suffer silently seeing other people's children grow up and new children being born, all while we are watching our dreams drift away.  Sometimes it is hard to just remember that we are doing all that we can do and that God is working in our favor to give us a life full of everything he has planned for us. Remembering to just live in the moment and enjoy the holiday spirit for what makes it special is a tough task to handle. We may not have our own bundle of joy, but we cannot let that take away from the other things in our lives that bring us happiness.  I am going to try my very best this year to not let this part of our lives bring me down.  I am going to focus on the bigger picture.  God may not have blessed us with a child of our own, but He did bless us with the greatest gift of all, baby Jesus.  After all, this is what Christmas is truly all about. God sent his son to us to save us from our sins and to give us eternal life in heaven.  I cannot forget that.  This year I will not forget that.

With all of that being said, we will end this cycle of femara and progesterone just days before Christmas.  I will spend this Christmas living out my dreams of sharing the news of a new life with my family Christmas morning, or I will spend it on another lovely dose of my new BFF, Femara. 

May the odds be ever in our favor. 

We got this...I think!

Cheers to the holidays,possible little miracles, and getting fat on Christmas cookies:)

Our Christmas Tree 2013



Infertility: The best thing that ever happened to me.

  I am going to go ahead and assume the title of this post threw you off a bit. I am also going to guess that you have, A. Re-read the title at least once to make sure you have read it correctly, B. Thought "she totally meant to say worst instead of best, & C. You came to the conclusion that I have officially lost it. Luckily, I haven't lost it just yet :).

  Infertility has been the best & the worst thing Todd and I have gone through. It's been the hardest, but most life changing chapter in my life. It has been the scariest, but most hopeful time I've experienced. It's the part of my life that has been filled with the most darkness, but also the time that has been filled with the most trust in God that I've ever had. It's unfortunate that we have had this burden and sadness to carry, but amazingly it really has been a blessing. It has caused me to be stronger than I've ever been, more hopeful than I ever could have imagined, and to be filled with more love for God than I ever thought to be possible. And THAT is pretty awesome if you ask me!  It is weird when I think about how much I have grown in the past four years.  When I look back at the first year compared to now there is really only one explanation for the growth I have made, God.  Even when I didn't have faith in him he was there for me and pushing me through.

  If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing a blog about how infertility has been a blessing in my life, I would have honestly thought you had one too many or you took a little trip to crazy town! This journey has brought so much good even through all the pain. My relationship with Todd has never been stronger than it is now. My family has become closer and have been able to talk about things more openly. My friendships, new & old, have grown tremendously. My relationship with God has brought me so much happiness. Overall, my life rocks! It makes me smile when I think about how blessed I am in this life. It is only by God's endless love that I could get through these trials and it feels so great to not only know that he loves me, but to feel it too!

  It has taken me a very long, hard time to get to the place I am today. I would be lying if I said that I have always put God first and truly believed he has my best interests at heart. There was a time in my life that with all my heart I believed that God did not have my back and that I was being punished for my sins. That was the darkest & loneliest place I've ever been. A life without God in it is no life at all.    It was like someone sucked the life out of me and all hope was gone. Everyday I smiled and laughed, but it was forced, & everyday I held back the tears and bitterness I had built up inside. I was broken and felt like I couldn't be fixed. I try to thank God every day for getting me through that darkness and making me realize he DOES love me and he ALWAYS has my back. I know its so cliché to say, but, I truly believe more than ever that everything really does happen for a reason.  Bringing a child into this world four years ago would have been a completely different experience than it would be now.  Todd and I both had a lot of growing to do as individuals and as a couple and I firmly believe God has a plan for us!

  Infertility is something I have to live with every day and it is a huge part of me, but it is not who I AM.  I have to remind myself of that constantly.  It is so easy to get lost in the moment and lose sight of who you are. I am a girl who loves her husband more than words can say. A girl whose family and friends mean the world to. A girl who chooses a life with God. I am NOT the "infertile girl". It would be so much easier to sit in my infertile bitter world  and sulk about how terrible life is and how unfair the world can be, and oh have I done that! Trust me, I still have my weak moments, but that is not where happiness lives and I want a life FULL of nothing but pure bliss! I refuse to live in a world without happiness...I've lived there and it was not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

  As we begin the next chapter of our "TTC journey" (p.s-TTC= trying to conceive), I am going to try my best to push through it with grace and hope that we will have a child of our own. As my friends and loved ones, all I can ask is that you hold me accountable on my days of weakness and remind me that life is good and I am better than the darkness that creeps its way in. I will warn you, as most of you know already, I am stubborn. I get it from my daddy, haha.  Stick with me friends , it's going to be a bumpy ride. I love you all. XO-

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, & with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And all of the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Mission making baby Smathers & a special prayer for my sweet friends...

  Halleluiah!

No more endometriosis, at least for a little while!  & just because that is the most beautiful thing I've heard in awhile, I'm going say it again...NO MORE ENDO!  Praise God! We are so thankful for Dr. Parker and his commitment to making me a healthier & happier person!!

  & as if that news wasn't amazing enough on its own, we got the official "go ahead" on mission making baby Smathers!  We are so Thrilled that things are moving right along.  Dr. Parker decided to not waste any more time (my kinda dude) & is moving us straight into our next cycle using Femara, Progesterone, and another medication to help control the autoimmune side of endometriosis. For those who do not already know, Femara is a drug used to either A, help those who do not ovulate during their cycle to ovulate, or B to help those who already ovulate, like in my case, to help to create multiple eggs instead of just one .  This will obviously up our chances of conceiving substantially( & of multiples, and to that I say "Bring it on!!"). The Femara will be taken on day 3 of my cycle to boost my ovulation.  Progesterone is the second factor in our plan.  Progesterone levels rise in a woman's cycle after ovulation and if a pregnancy occurs they will continue to rise and help to prepare the uterus for implantation. I will be taking this after I ovulate to help with implantation and to prevent another chemical pregnancy. Dr. Parker is the first doctor to prescribe me a dose of progesterone to help maintain a pregnancy.  This is HUGE!  We will be doing this combo for 3 cycles in hopes that we will not need to move on to further treatments.  We have nothing but hope that this is "it".

On our way to our post op appointment, before I found out all this FANTASTIC news:

  I have felt completely overwhelmed with all the support and love everyone has shown us over the past 3 and a half years, but the past few months has been unreal.  The amount of prayers, kind words, and just the simple things like a "how are you" has been unbelievable. We are so incredibly blessed to have the angels we do in our lives.  I could never say thank you enough!!  God and my friends and family are the reason I am able to keep pushing, and that is something I could never pay back to you all.

  Sadly, with all good news there tends to be some bad news that sneaks its way in.  One of my dearest friend's husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer with a bone metastasis on his shoulder, lower back and hip area, and lymph node.  Today begins his first radiation treatment and later this month he will have his kidney removed.  It gives me goose bumps just typing it, so I can only imagine how my lovely friends are feeling.  It breaks my heart to know they are going through something so horrific.  Through this trial in their lives they have, somehow, remained so incredibly gracious, positive, and hopeful.  Let me tell you folks, this couple is absolutely amazing for that.  Their love for each other and continued love for God will warm even the darkest of souls.  I kept sitting here thinking, why would this happen to them?  They don't deserve this! It really saddens me how much I take for granted daily and how the smallest of things send me over the edge.  And for what?  Your life can be turned upside down in two seconds flat and I'm worried about my Starbucks being made wrong one day or someone cutting me off on my way home from work?  It's absurd where our minds can take us so quickly.  Take time to hug your family, husbands, wives, children, and friends and show them the love you feel for them because you never know where life can take you one minute to the next.

  I would love to continue with a huge prayer chain that has begun on IG for Greg & Tiff.  Please join me in saying a prayer of comfort, strength, healing, and continued hope for this wonderful couple.  My heart goes out to you both!

  At church this past Sunday we had a guest pastor visit and he gave us a wonderful sermon that could not fit my life, nor my friend's lives any better.  I am including it here for those that are interested in listening.  Though my trials are nothing compared to some, this sermon really spoke to me.  The first part of the sermon is an intro and talks about our church and pastor a little bit before he jumps into the sermon, its quite funny but don't feel bad about skipping the first half and jumping right in.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

http://www.gracefellowship.cc/pastor-swap-mark-artrip

Lastly, just a little update on my recovery since surgery:

Things are finally looking and feeling normal again!  It was a rocky and difficult road, but so worth it! ( My dearest Jen, you were so right!)

Again, thank you all so much for your prayers & kind words of encouragement through all of this!  It is more than I could ever ask for!



 

Let's be honest...

  Let me start off by saying that no one can fully understand how you really feel. You can tell them everything, your whole life story, you can be descriptive on every little feeling and detail, but even so, none of that will ever be enough to understand.  This is true for endometriosis, infertility, and I am sure so many other diseases. Sometimes the pain and heartache you are feeling really cannot even be put into words and explained.  I know it seems dramatic to some, but its true. 

   I have been blessed to have met so many beautiful women from all over the world on a social media app called "instagram". This community has brought me so much joy and so many friendships that go even beyond fertility.  It is truly, truly a blessing to have been able to meet other women who suffer through the same things I do day to day.  Family and friends in my life have been more than supportive, but there is just something about having a friendship with someone who just "gets it".

  Over the past few years I have tried to help those who are close to me understand where I am coming from in all of this and explain to them how some things that are said can be hurtful and hard to hear. I figured what better way to make it loud and clear than to shout it from the roof tops(of my blog) haha :).  I will try my best to make my statements with a little dash of humor to lighten the serious topic! Believe it or not, after all these years and months of trying to conceive and the pain I can still have a good laugh about it all!! SO lets get this ball rolling...

Number 1: I never know exactly when I am going to have a so called "good" day.  When I cancel because I am not feeling great or I just need to stay home and relax...trust me...I am not enjoying being held hostage in bed.  I do not enjoy horrendous cramps, aches or migraines.  I would love to go out on a Friday night knowing I am not going to get sick from whatever place everyone decides would be a good dinner out.  I would love to show up and be the life of the party, but unfortunately good days are hard to come by!  I promise I am not blowing you off, I really am just sick.

Number Two: I love being told I look sick. Joking obviously.  This one is pretty frequent for me.  I cannot tell you how many times someone says..."hmm, you must be having an off day you don't look so good!"  Well, gee thank you for letting me know, as if I didn't look in a mirror this morning and see the lovely bags under my eyes and the color that has left my face, and I definitely cant feel the razor sharp crushing pains that caused me to look like this, but hey thanks for noticing and letting me know I look like a train wreck.

Number Three: "She just wants attention." Oh boy, this one rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons.  Women who suffer with these diseases are far from begging for attention...at least I know I am.  Some of the reasons I and my friends speak out about Endometriosis and Infertility is not to have pity or for people to feel bad for us....its to bring awareness to our diseases.  To make people realize they are life changing and not just something we like to talk about for fun.  The second reason is so people understand we are not flaky, shady, or faking being sick to get out of things like work. We in all honestly really feel that terrible.

Number Four: "It could always be worse." Yes, indeed it could be worse.  I am not dying and I am blessed to have the beautiful life I have been given, BUT let me ask you this....Do you know what it is like to be alive, but never feel like you are actually living life?  Do you know what it feels like to never feel "normal" and to always feel like you are half doing life?  I will tell you, it sucks.  To be completely honest. But guess what? We get up everyday, brush our hair, throw on our makeup to cover the dark circles from sleepless nights, put on our million dollar smile and JUST DO IT.  It's what we have to do because this is the life we were given and at the end of the day God chose ME to be a warrior in life for a reason so I am not going to go down without a fight!!! 

Number Five: This one is usually just because they don't know what to say so they go on and on about their brother's best friend's little sister's cousin twice removed who had endometriosis and she ended up with 10 kids and chased rainbows and unicorns. Well, I'm happy for her really, but come on!   Every case is completely and totally different.  In fact, some women do not even know they have it!  Endometriosis ranges from not even knowing you have it to intense excessive pain and infertility.  She is very lucky to have dealt with the disease so gracefully.  It is kind to give stories of hope, but if you think about it, every other person I talk to that brings it up probably has a success story to share with me.  Sometimes it just makes you more upset because you wonder why you can't have it that easy.

Number Six: "You are so lucky to be able to have so many days off work." Yes I would say I was lucky too if I spent my called off days at the beach drinking a daiquiri getting a nice tan, but instead I am in my bed with a heating pad, loads of meds, some tissues, and chocolate (ok, this isn't so bad lol).  I have to worry if I am going to lose my job or if I am going to have trouble explaining why I am missing work.  Its nothing but anxiety and a painful situation.

And my favorite one to date....

Number Seven: "I have cramps too, have you tried Ibuprofen and a heating pad?" Actually, no I have just spent the past 11 years of my life thinking "hmmmm, I wonder if I should take some medicine and get a heating pad?" Let's be serious people, ibuprofen doesn't even put a dent in the pain.  Endometriosis is not just "bad cramps".  It is chronic pain caused by internal bleeding and inflammation.  Comparing Endometriosis flare ups to cramps is basically comparing a paper cut to a cut off limb, I promise it feels that awful at the time.

  I am saying these things with so much love!  This is not to make people feel bad or be upset because they have possibly said one of these things to me in the past.  I am WELL aware that most of these things are said out of love for me and not understanding what I need to hear, and that is the reason behind this post.  I want people to somehow, someway, kinda-sorta grasp the significance of these diseases.

  There are so many things you could say and do.  Checking in when you know I am feeling sick and just letting me know you are there to listen is sometimes all I need.  I am a pretty positive person for the most part.  I may have a few hours of whining, but I always come out smiling.  A big sorry to all my dear friends who have had to listen to my whining, just know I love you all so much and it means the world to me that you are willing to listen! 

  Acknowledging the fact that, yes I got my butt out of bed and brushed my hair today and made it to work.  That is a big accomplishment when you have a war going on in your uterus!  I may not look my best, but I am there! It may not seem like it matters, but just acknowledging that you know I am trying makes me feel like what I am going through matters.

  And Ya know, some days there might not be anything to say at all.  Some days I may just need a big hug.  And guess what?  I love hugs from those I hold dear to my heart! :):)



With ALL of that being said and all of the darkness it can bring I still have hope in my future.  I still hold on to the fact the God can get me through anything.  Though I have dark days, there are better ones ahead.  I recently came across a prayer in a book I was given and I have been praying this prayer every night since.  I find it so beautiful and perfect.  I hope that if there is anyone reading this post that is struggling at all like me that it will to help them.

Lastly, a quick little update on my recovery!  Things are moving along well, just had a few set backs and bad days, but all in all I am recovering well!

Day 10:

Day 11: