Infertility has been the best & the worst thing Todd and I have gone through. It's been the hardest, but most life changing chapter in my life. It has been the scariest, but most hopeful time I've experienced. It's the part of my life that has been filled with the most darkness, but also the time that has been filled with the most trust in God that I've ever had. It's unfortunate that we have had this burden and sadness to carry, but amazingly it really has been a blessing. It has caused me to be stronger than I've ever been, more hopeful than I ever could have imagined, and to be filled with more love for God than I ever thought to be possible. And THAT is pretty awesome if you ask me! It is weird when I think about how much I have grown in the past four years. When I look back at the first year compared to now there is really only one explanation for the growth I have made, God. Even when I didn't have faith in him he was there for me and pushing me through.
If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing a blog about how infertility has been a blessing in my life, I would have honestly thought you had one too many or you took a little trip to crazy town! This journey has brought so much good even through all the pain. My relationship with Todd has never been stronger than it is now. My family has become closer and have been able to talk about things more openly. My friendships, new & old, have grown tremendously. My relationship with God has brought me so much happiness. Overall, my life rocks! It makes me smile when I think about how blessed I am in this life. It is only by God's endless love that I could get through these trials and it feels so great to not only know that he loves me, but to feel it too!
It has taken me a very long, hard time to get to the place I am today. I would be lying if I said that I have always put God first and truly believed he has my best interests at heart. There was a time in my life that with all my heart I believed that God did not have my back and that I was being punished for my sins. That was the darkest & loneliest place I've ever been. A life without God in it is no life at all. It was like someone sucked the life out of me and all hope was gone. Everyday I smiled and laughed, but it was forced, & everyday I held back the tears and bitterness I had built up inside. I was broken and felt like I couldn't be fixed. I try to thank God every day for getting me through that darkness and making me realize he DOES love me and he ALWAYS has my back. I know its so cliché to say, but, I truly believe more than ever that everything really does happen for a reason. Bringing a child into this world four years ago would have been a completely different experience than it would be now. Todd and I both had a lot of growing to do as individuals and as a couple and I firmly believe God has a plan for us!
Infertility is something I have to live with every day and it is a huge part of me, but it is not who I AM. I have to remind myself of that constantly. It is so easy to get lost in the moment and lose sight of who you are. I am a girl who loves her husband more than words can say. A girl whose family and friends mean the world to. A girl who chooses a life with God. I am NOT the "infertile girl". It would be so much easier to sit in my infertile bitter world and sulk about how terrible life is and how unfair the world can be, and oh have I done that! Trust me, I still have my weak moments, but that is not where happiness lives and I want a life FULL of nothing but pure bliss! I refuse to live in a world without happiness...I've lived there and it was not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
As we begin the next chapter of our "TTC journey" (p.s-TTC= trying to conceive), I am going to try my best to push through it with grace and hope that we will have a child of our own. As my friends and loved ones, all I can ask is that you hold me accountable on my days of weakness and remind me that life is good and I am better than the darkness that creeps its way in. I will warn you, as most of you know already, I am stubborn. I get it from my daddy, haha. Stick with me friends , it's going to be a bumpy ride. I love you all. XO-
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, & with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And all of the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
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