Oh holiday season, we meet again.
It is a very bittersweet time of the year for me. It's a time filled of falling colorful leaves, yummy pies, hot chocolate, snowy Christmas mornings, sparkling Christmas trees, perfectly wrapped presents, and extra time with family friends. What's not to love right? You would think it would be the "best time of the year" for me, like it is for so many. But, every year it's the same story. I put up our Christmas decorations and start prepping for the holidays only to be disappointed when I finish. Two measly stockings. A Christmas tree with no toys. No elf on the shelf. No cookies for Santa. Just a tree with some dang lights and a couple of stockings. Blah. It's like the life gets sucked right out of what's supposed to be such a joyful time. There is something so magical about Christmas time with children. They are full of excitement and have such happy and giving hearts. Having another Christmas without a child of our own is extremely hard...probably the hardest.
Every year for Christmas I wish for nothing more than a BIG FAT Positive pregnancy test. I dream of announcing the amazing news with our family Christmas morning. I literally have it completely planned out down to the gifts I would give to share the news. It's almost kind of pathetic how planned out I actually have it! I just lay in bed at night and think of all the things people would say when we finally told them "We're Pregnant!". I picture everyone screaming, jumping up and down, tears of happiness, and being smothered with hugs....that would be one awesome day!! Honestly, any day we are able to share that kind of news with our loved ones would be the best day ever, but how cool would it be to be able to on Christmas? Pretty darn cool.
It is an entirely different ball game dealing with infertility during the holidays. I cringe at the thought of waking up on one more Christmas and not hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running in to wake us up on Christmas morning. It's hard not to think about the facts. IF we would have gotten pregnant early on when we first started trying we could have had a little 3 year old tearing apart gifts from Santa. It is especially hard when you think about what could've been. It is a dangerous place to in your thoughts to visit, but somehow I always end up there.
We suffer silently seeing other people's children grow up and new children being born, all while we are watching our dreams drift away. Sometimes it is hard to just remember that we are doing all that we can do and that God is working in our favor to give us a life full of everything he has planned for us. Remembering to just live in the moment and enjoy the holiday spirit for what makes it special is a tough task to handle. We may not have our own bundle of joy, but we cannot let that take away from the other things in our lives that bring us happiness. I am going to try my very best this year to not let this part of our lives bring me down. I am going to focus on the bigger picture. God may not have blessed us with a child of our own, but He did bless us with the greatest gift of all, baby Jesus. After all, this is what Christmas is truly all about. God sent his son to us to save us from our sins and to give us eternal life in heaven. I cannot forget that. This year I will not forget that.
With all of that being said, we will end this cycle of femara and progesterone just days before Christmas. I will spend this Christmas living out my dreams of sharing the news of a new life with my family Christmas morning, or I will spend it on another lovely dose of my new BFF, Femara.
May the odds be ever in our favor.
We got this...I think!
Cheers to the holidays,possible little miracles, and getting fat on Christmas cookies:)
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| Our Christmas Tree 2013 |
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