#Truth

  

  Usually I write about what has been going on in our lives, but I don't think I could possibly sum up this past year in one post.  It has been a year full of a lot of trials & sadness, but in the end we survived the year and came out on top ready to start 2015.  There is a few reasons why that year of my life was not documented and eventually I may share some of those details, but for now I just want to let go and push forward! This year is going to be a beautiful one.  I can just feel it deep in my soul:)

  Looking back at the past is never an easy thing to do.  It can be incredibly painful and really hurt you all over again when you revisit it.  I used to feel ashamed, angry, and really just embarrassed about how I handled life during past seasons of life. I now realize that if I did not have that massive storm blow through every crevice of my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.  Instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed I feel grateful and joyful.  The fight through the never ending storms has been worth it to the very last drop.  Our journey is far from over and there are sure to be new challenges ahead of us, but I'm ready for it this time. 

Infertility is HARD people. I mean it really just drains you from the inside out, presses hard on your marriage and friendships, and makes everything seem like your climbing a mountain that has no top. The pain is exhausting and real in every way.  There are some things that are tempting to my weakened heart to just give in and be selfish with my daily struggle. I used to think it was my "right" to be a brat because my life circumstances sucked...that is so so far from the truth.  It is not right and it never has been, but there are absolutely going to be times when I am going to fail and handle a situation entirely wrong.  

  There are a few things that hurt me no matter what I do to avoid them it feels, or act like they don't tear me apart. Things like seeing your husband holding and playing with someone else's baby.  All you want is to give him a child of his own because you know he would be an amazing father, but your body says no.  You feel the guilt being the person who is the cause for the infertility you both are facing.  There have been times when I've just wanted to say "Babe, its ok if you want to leave this marriage and find someone new who can give you a family", but I know thats absolutely ridiculous and my wounded heart speaking.  Just because we may never have a child that we create doesn't mean we won't have children. I know he is in this WITH me not AGAINST me. 

  Things like walking through good ole Target can be one of the hardest things I do in my week.  Baby-envy is real guys.  Being somewhere where it seems every other woman you walk past is pregnant or toting her children around is rough.  Target has a way of maxing out my jealously in about point two seconds.  You see that beautiful mama sipping on her Starbucks with her baby tucked comfy in their wrap, scrolling through the sweet little outfits she will dress them in...just wishing that was you.  Knowing your dreams are true for her, and yet you'll be sneaking around looking at all the things you can secretly stash in your "someday trunk". As if that was not hard enough to get through and you realize "Oh my gosh I am being crazy, just get out of this section", you take a quick walk around the corner and spot that adorable happy couple picking out a crib for their bundle of joy on the way.  They bicker over which one will be suitable for their little one, and you can't help but wonder... "will we ever get to be THAT couple?"  The thoughts just begin to spiral out of control. You turn those thoughts into mean ones. Ones you have ZERO right to think or judge people with.  It is all enough to make you run out of there crying your eyes out, but we somehow bring those tears back in and make it through.  I know there are so many of you ladies out there that know the exact things I am speaking of like the back of your hand and I am SO sorry for that. I hate that you have to endure that kind of pain because I know it all to well.

  We can choose to trust in God and pray for peace in these moments or let bitterness take over.  We do have a choice even though sometimes we don't feel like we do.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice and "it just happens".  Nothing just happens to us...we make make these choices.  I am trying  hard every moment of every single day, but sometimes I break.  I am failing at holding it together every second.  I wish words could explain the feeling of guilt I experience when I react with anger and jealously.  It hurts just as bad as the longing for a child that started the whole cycle.  Not only do these choices we make in these moments hurt us, they hurt the ones we love the most.  That is a brutal reality to take in.  

  Over the past year I have continued to grow immensely.  I have learned to accept little by little that we may never have a child.  If so, it is God's plan for us and we have to trust in Him.  Ive said it a million times and I will say again..If He had blessed us with a child when WE thought timing ws right... I really do not know where we would be today.  I don't know how our marriage would have looked and I defiantly do not know how we would have been as parents.  We were absolutely not ready then and He knew that.  I have to trust that He knows that to be true now as well.  His map of our lives is perfect and much more than I could ever put together on my own.  When I finally surrendered and let Jesus walk with me through the pain it was absolutely amazing. Seriously guys, amazing.  I am not claiming to be healed and over it all, but day to day is easier because I have him to hold my hand.  He guides me through it to the joy I know he wants me to feel.  He is so incredibly good.  I am unbelievably grateful I am able to feel the happiness I have in a relationship with him.

  I will not lie...every pregnancy announcement I hear stings, but the sting is short lived these days.  Ive learned to cope with it by leaning into His word rather than my own understanding.  The days I fail to lean into him, I pick up the mess the next day and start fresh.  It is a learning process and every day brings something new.

I have been wanting to update everyone on what is next for us because I am sure some are confused as we had plans to begin IVF the first of the year.  Together we have decided to wait.  Many people's responses have been too funny.  "UM, Brooke...haven't you waited long enough"? Yeah, we probably have, BUT something is telling us to wait and trust God has us in this.  We have waited for years to get to this point, but I don't think that rushing it now is the answer.  We have chosen to slow down and take time to breathe and pray through this time with zero treatments. It feels really good to have our marriage back. It sounds silly to hear those words since we have been married this whole time,  but infertility took over and we lost us in it.  Its going to be a FUN year for us.  Who knows what will happen. We may decide it is time to do IVF at some point this year..there is really no saying what could happen when you don't try and plan every single step.

  In all of our talks we have also decided we want to be fully prepared when the time comes so we are saving for two rounds of IVF. If the first round does not work we will have money saved for a second round.  We know if it doesn't work we will be heartbroken and want to give it one more try.  We did place a limit of two rounds of IVF for our family for many reasons.  It is hard to say that in writing, but it has to be it.  I do not want to force our future to be something it is not meant to be.  This choice is not for everyone.  I have dozens of friends who have done multiple rounds of IVF, but that is what works for their family and I completely support that.  Adoption has always been a dream of mine and something I have wanted whether IVF works or not, it is on our hearts for our future as well.

Our Fertility Office

IVF Paperwork

  One of the biggest questions I get through this process is " I get it is expensive to do IVF, but like how much exactly"?  Well, here is a break down for you guys.  Keep in mind this is not the same for every person or every state for that matter.  This is OUR personal break down.  I am not giving this information for pity, but because I have always been open with everyone since day one.  It is a big part of this journey and I am hoping by sharing the information it could possibly even help someone else.


IVF cycle:

$8,000 day one.  This includes retrieval of eggs, fertilization, all monitoring, anesthesia, and embryo transfer.

$1500 for ICSI (Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) differs from conventional in vitro fertilization (IVF) in that the embryologist selects a single sperm to be injected directly into an egg, instead of fertilization taking place in a dish where many sperm are placed near an egg.)

$500 if assisted hatching is needed.

$3500-$6000 for medication through treatment.

$675 for year one of freezing of unused embryos.

$400 per year from year two and on.

Additional charges if any male/female testing is needed during the process.



If IVF is done twice:

$3,500 IF you have frozen embryos.

$1,000- $1,200 for medication throughout cycle.

If there are no frozen embryos you start with a fresh cycle with no discount.




  We want to thank everyone who has supported us through this process.  To everyone who has been purchasing goodies from my "homes made lovely" IG page...I LOVE YOU. You have no idea how grateful I am to have people who truly care and want to see all our our wildest dreams come true.

You can follow me on Instagram @HomesMadeLovely

Though I am unworthy of His amazing grace, He saved my broken soul & put me on a journey filled with unending joy.  Though at times I allow circumstances to steal my joy, He continuously reminds me that I am forever His.  It warms my heart to know that I am not alone. When my hope runs dry He will show me the way.