It all starts with being hurt...

Hurt: Mental or emotional suffering or torment

Anger: An emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.


Jealously/envy: A feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another.


Bitterness: Anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment.

These are just a few common emotions of infertility (& life really), but absolutely not all of them.

  When we are hurt we allow anger to bloom in our hearts. Whether we realize it or not everyone does it. God warns us to guard ourselves when anger is present because a sin is near waiting to take over our thoughts and emotions. If I think back to what began my anger..the start is really just a wound that has become infected with bitterness, envy and hate.


  We shouldn't allow our anger to turn into hate and bitterness that we push into others lives. The only way to conquer sin is to overcome the anger that will linger. The only way to overcome anger is to turn it over to God. Easier said than done most of the time, but I hope that if I say it enough times I can actually follow through at least some of the time.

  Allowing anger to stay in my heart will never help me. It takes over your every thought and action, makes you physically sick from the stress and worry, and causes you to make spur of the moment comments that you can never take back. It's much better to forgive people and/or move past situations than to be angry and hateful, not only for yourself but for others too.

  This not only goes for anger, but jealously and pain that no one has intentionally caused you to feel can turn to anger as well . Sometimes it is not a person that hurt you, but a situation you are in that damages you. When you see others happy or getting what you feel is yours, it hurts and that jealously turns to anger and bitterness.

  People say well just control it and stop getting so worked up. This insanity of infertility is not something you control. Are you aware of the definition of insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Isn't that what I do every cycle? It's craziness. It consumes everything you are and every thought deep down in your bones. The yearning to have a family of your own does not fade or get easier, you just get better with hiding it. It's easy to say I won't get my hopes up and I won't get upset when my friends share their amazing news of child with me, but it never ever fails...I die a little more inside every single time. It literally feels like someone is sucking the breath right from my lungs when I see another negative test or hear of another friend being pregnant.

  This is not to make people feel guilty for living their lives or to say I am not happy for my friends and family. It is just to somehow try and remotely explain the ache I have in my heart. There is no good way to go about explaining it. I know things could be much worse, but for me this is terrible, miserable, torturous pain I go through every single day. I wish I could say it's gotten easier, but that would be a lie.

  This disease I have not only effects me. It effects my family and friends. Those closest to my heart live a lot of the pain I go through and I feel guilty because of that. I should be able to go to my best friends baby showers without feelings of jealousy and bitterness. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to them. I question every day how in the world I am going to ever get past this.  There is a great chance we may never have a child of our own and I need to find a way to accept that somehow. 

  I know God has a master plan for my life and what I feel I need may not be what God KNOWS I need. Learning to accept the life I have and accept his plan without knowing why is the hardest battle I have to handle. We are curious creatures of habit. We know we will never know why God does what he does, but we still beg for the why and the how and the when. Luckily, he never gets tired of hearing our questions. I was reminded of this at service yesterday morning at church. It could not have come at a more perfect timing for me.

  If you are interested in watching my church's sermon from this week I am adding the link here for you.  Hang in there because like with all good things, it takes time to get to the good stuff:)

http://www.gracefellowship.cc/my-bad-church-experience-2014


For now I am hurting, but I hope that with prayer and perseverance I can push myself to have just enough strength to get me through.