Cheers to the New Year (& Maybe babies)...

Every year I come up with another resolution that I stick with for a month or so and then it slowly fades away because I choose something that is either way too general which makes it hard to follow and stick with without making exceptions and excuses, or I just come up with something quickly and I don't actually set a plan to follow through. A little before Christmas I started thinking about what I wanted to work on to make 2014 better, but I couldn't make a decision of exactly what I wanted to work on.  There are so many things that I need to work on in my life that I could go on and on with things I should make my resolution, but I wanted to choose something that was going to make a huge difference.

 I realized that a lot of the things I was contemplating to put all my efforts in rebuilding and working on all came back to one main thing, my marriage.  I thought about making it a goal to repair our finances and get all of my school loans and medical bills paid, which would in turn make our marriage less stressful.  I thought about making an effort to keep up with things around the house so that my husband can always (ok, that's extreme. how about a lot of the time?) come home to a clean home.  I contemplated making more of an effort to not let things outside our marriage effect us. I also tend to have a bit of a loud mouth in my marriage.  I most defiantly have no issues speaking my mind with Todd and of course in a marriage speaking your mind and talking about feelings is great, but there is a good way and a bad way of doing that.  I tend to go towards the bad road most of the time and just blurt it out.  I need to take time to think about things before I say them and not turn into the incredible hulk every time things don't go well.  I am lucky Todd has the complete opposite personality as I do or we probably would be in a world of hurt right now. I can thank my Daddy for my opinionated always have to be right mind, and I can thank my Mama for my strong will. By the way,thanks for that mom & dad:)  I guess it could have been worse if I didn't also get my Dad's giving heart and my Mom's forgiving one <3.


SO with all of that being said my official New Year resolution is:

To build a better relationship with Jesus & with my husband.  Not because the relationships are failing, but because my marriage and God are THE most important things in my life. I never want to stop learning and growing in my relationship with God.  I refuse to fail in my marriage because of things like finances, stupid mistakes, and words you cant take back.  Marriage is more than a contract to me, its my life! Lucky for you babe, you are stuck with my till I am old and grey:)

I like this resolution.  Who says a resolution has to be something you give up or some kind of torture you decide on the 31st to put yourself through for as many months as you can handle.  This year is going to be a blast spending it with the two people I love most, Jesus and my husband.  Now who is lucky? This girl right here!!



I hope this year brings my family, friends, and I  happiness, hope, and some 2014 babies!!!!!

CHEERS TO THE NEW YEAR!!

Unexpected moments of Hope

  



So clearly I am pretty amazing at being a lazy bum, hints the fact that it has been a good month since my last post! It is so easy this time of year to bundle up in comfy clothes with a cup of coffee and a good book and get lost in it. During the summer and fall I am running around non-stop so when winter and spring come around I like to spend it being a home-body. I would like to blame my absence on quite a few life events, but basically it all comes back to being too tired and lazy. I am exhausted! These fertility medications kick your booty (I guess I can kinda put some of the blame here). I am thinking about doing a name change to "Mrs. Moody", its really that bad sometimes.  Poor Todd has gotten the brunt of my moodiness, Sorry babe!! BUT the good news is I am back and I am going to try my best to be more proactive with my writing and we are defiantly making progress in 2014!


Let's jump right into to things shall we?

Sadly, we did not have an extra special Christmas announcement this year, but we have made a lot of progress at least. The previous cycle we recently ended was not as terrible as it could have been.  My blood test were done 7 days post ovulation and they stated that my progesterone was at a whopping  38, which for you folks who don't know, that's pretty high considering the level only needs to be at least 13. Although, my estrogen levels is a whole other story. My estrogen was extremely low. It needed to be at a level of 120 at least and it was only at 88. Basically, that stinks! Estrogen is prevalent in the first half of the cycle and it reaches it's highest level during ovulation.  Low estrogen can make for a weak ovulation, no thickening of the uterine lining which is extremely important and needed for implantation of fertilized eggs, and low quality of CM--if you are unaware of what this is, don't ask, you will thank me later:).

Dr. Parker had decided after my last failed cycle with my estrogen issues that we would try one more cycle without changing anything just to see if my hormone levels even out because it was only my second cycle since my surgery.  We are well into this cycle now and so far so good.  If my estrogen levels or something else is not great again this cycle then the plan is to change up my medication regimen for next cycle.

My hopes for this cycle are of course high as always, but I know realistically this is more of a test cycle and the chances of conceiving are low.  Nothing is impossible though! Miracles happen every single day.  This was brought to my attention more so than normal at work on Friday.

In case you do not already know where I work,  I am a manager of a local tanning salon.  While I was working on Friday, a customer of mine came in to cancel her tanning membership. I looked up her name and saw that she had not used her membership in 3 full months, but had paid for it so I of course asked if there is anything she was un happy with.  She got very nervous and I could tell she was thinking about how she was say what she needed to say.  She all the sudden just blurted out "I am Pregnant and I was nervous that if I cancelled it would jinx us." I told her congratulations and said no reason to worry about jinxing it, but I totally understand that worry.  She began opening up about her previous miscarriages and how hard it was to get where she is today.  I gave her a little mini version of our story too and oh my gosh it was crazy how much we have in common.  Turns out, we both have Endometriosis and low estrogen.  We both have had many chemical pregnancies due to progesterone levels and our endometriosis.  We both have done numerous types of medicines and treatments basically in the same order. And it gets crazier, we both have gone to the exact same doctors in the exact same order.  The only difference is that she is about 6 months ahead of me with Dr. Parker!!  We began to compare medicines that worked for her and time frames and such and it was so awesome to hear her success story!  I truly believe that God sends moments and people into our lives to help us and teach us and this was a perfect example of that.  She was so lovely and kind to me and she really had no reason to be.  It is so refreshing to meet people like that.  She let me know that although it may seem never ending and that things are moving so slowly with Dr. Parker (He is known to work slowly, but with amazing success), he will get us to the point we long to be at.  Not that I needed to meet her to believe Dr. Parker was going to help us, but it sure did help me rest my worries I did have.  I am so thankful to have met her.

I will never be able to express in words how significant and beautiful God's work truly is. Knowing He loves me unconditionally and He has a specific reason for every little thing in my day to day life can only be described as one thing, amazing.  No one else in the world will ever be able to love me like He does and I am so grateful I have rebuilt my relationship with him this year. There is nothing greater to me than living a life with Jesus!

For this cycle, I plan on just relaxing and just enjoying the New Year.  I pray this year is everything that I and my fellow TTC ladies wish for and more!!

Cheers to the New Year!



Tis' the season to be grumpy...

Oh holiday season, we meet again.

  It is a very bittersweet time of the year for me. It's a time filled of falling colorful leaves, yummy pies, hot chocolate, snowy Christmas mornings, sparkling Christmas trees, perfectly wrapped presents, and extra time with family friends. What's not to love right? You would think it would be the "best time of the year" for me, like it is for so many.  But, every year it's the same story.  I put up our Christmas decorations and start prepping for the holidays only to be disappointed when I finish. Two measly stockings. A Christmas tree with no toys. No elf on the shelf. No cookies for Santa. Just a tree with some dang lights and a couple of stockings. Blah. It's like the life gets sucked right out of what's supposed to be such a joyful time. There is something so magical about Christmas time with children. They are full of excitement and have such happy and giving hearts. Having another Christmas without a child of our own is extremely hard...probably the hardest.

  Every year for Christmas I wish for nothing more than a BIG FAT Positive pregnancy test.  I dream of announcing the amazing news with our family Christmas morning.  I literally have it completely planned out down to the gifts I would give to share the news.  It's almost kind of pathetic how planned out I actually have it!  I just lay in bed at night and think of all the things people would say when we finally told them "We're Pregnant!".  I picture everyone screaming, jumping up and down, tears of happiness, and being smothered with hugs....that would be one awesome day!! Honestly, any day we are able to share that kind of news with our loved ones would be the best day ever, but how cool would it be to be able to on Christmas? Pretty darn cool.

  It is an entirely different ball game dealing with infertility during the holidays.  I cringe at the thought of  waking up on one more Christmas and not hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running in to wake us up on Christmas morning.  It's hard not to think about the facts.  IF we would have gotten pregnant early on when we first started trying we could have had a little 3 year old tearing apart gifts from Santa.  It is especially hard when you think about what could've been.  It is a dangerous place to in your thoughts to visit, but somehow I always end up there.

  We suffer silently seeing other people's children grow up and new children being born, all while we are watching our dreams drift away.  Sometimes it is hard to just remember that we are doing all that we can do and that God is working in our favor to give us a life full of everything he has planned for us. Remembering to just live in the moment and enjoy the holiday spirit for what makes it special is a tough task to handle. We may not have our own bundle of joy, but we cannot let that take away from the other things in our lives that bring us happiness.  I am going to try my very best this year to not let this part of our lives bring me down.  I am going to focus on the bigger picture.  God may not have blessed us with a child of our own, but He did bless us with the greatest gift of all, baby Jesus.  After all, this is what Christmas is truly all about. God sent his son to us to save us from our sins and to give us eternal life in heaven.  I cannot forget that.  This year I will not forget that.

With all of that being said, we will end this cycle of femara and progesterone just days before Christmas.  I will spend this Christmas living out my dreams of sharing the news of a new life with my family Christmas morning, or I will spend it on another lovely dose of my new BFF, Femara. 

May the odds be ever in our favor. 

We got this...I think!

Cheers to the holidays,possible little miracles, and getting fat on Christmas cookies:)

Our Christmas Tree 2013



Infertility: The best thing that ever happened to me.

  I am going to go ahead and assume the title of this post threw you off a bit. I am also going to guess that you have, A. Re-read the title at least once to make sure you have read it correctly, B. Thought "she totally meant to say worst instead of best, & C. You came to the conclusion that I have officially lost it. Luckily, I haven't lost it just yet :).

  Infertility has been the best & the worst thing Todd and I have gone through. It's been the hardest, but most life changing chapter in my life. It has been the scariest, but most hopeful time I've experienced. It's the part of my life that has been filled with the most darkness, but also the time that has been filled with the most trust in God that I've ever had. It's unfortunate that we have had this burden and sadness to carry, but amazingly it really has been a blessing. It has caused me to be stronger than I've ever been, more hopeful than I ever could have imagined, and to be filled with more love for God than I ever thought to be possible. And THAT is pretty awesome if you ask me!  It is weird when I think about how much I have grown in the past four years.  When I look back at the first year compared to now there is really only one explanation for the growth I have made, God.  Even when I didn't have faith in him he was there for me and pushing me through.

  If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing a blog about how infertility has been a blessing in my life, I would have honestly thought you had one too many or you took a little trip to crazy town! This journey has brought so much good even through all the pain. My relationship with Todd has never been stronger than it is now. My family has become closer and have been able to talk about things more openly. My friendships, new & old, have grown tremendously. My relationship with God has brought me so much happiness. Overall, my life rocks! It makes me smile when I think about how blessed I am in this life. It is only by God's endless love that I could get through these trials and it feels so great to not only know that he loves me, but to feel it too!

  It has taken me a very long, hard time to get to the place I am today. I would be lying if I said that I have always put God first and truly believed he has my best interests at heart. There was a time in my life that with all my heart I believed that God did not have my back and that I was being punished for my sins. That was the darkest & loneliest place I've ever been. A life without God in it is no life at all.    It was like someone sucked the life out of me and all hope was gone. Everyday I smiled and laughed, but it was forced, & everyday I held back the tears and bitterness I had built up inside. I was broken and felt like I couldn't be fixed. I try to thank God every day for getting me through that darkness and making me realize he DOES love me and he ALWAYS has my back. I know its so cliché to say, but, I truly believe more than ever that everything really does happen for a reason.  Bringing a child into this world four years ago would have been a completely different experience than it would be now.  Todd and I both had a lot of growing to do as individuals and as a couple and I firmly believe God has a plan for us!

  Infertility is something I have to live with every day and it is a huge part of me, but it is not who I AM.  I have to remind myself of that constantly.  It is so easy to get lost in the moment and lose sight of who you are. I am a girl who loves her husband more than words can say. A girl whose family and friends mean the world to. A girl who chooses a life with God. I am NOT the "infertile girl". It would be so much easier to sit in my infertile bitter world  and sulk about how terrible life is and how unfair the world can be, and oh have I done that! Trust me, I still have my weak moments, but that is not where happiness lives and I want a life FULL of nothing but pure bliss! I refuse to live in a world without happiness...I've lived there and it was not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

  As we begin the next chapter of our "TTC journey" (p.s-TTC= trying to conceive), I am going to try my best to push through it with grace and hope that we will have a child of our own. As my friends and loved ones, all I can ask is that you hold me accountable on my days of weakness and remind me that life is good and I am better than the darkness that creeps its way in. I will warn you, as most of you know already, I am stubborn. I get it from my daddy, haha.  Stick with me friends , it's going to be a bumpy ride. I love you all. XO-

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, & with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And all of the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Mission making baby Smathers & a special prayer for my sweet friends...

  Halleluiah!

No more endometriosis, at least for a little while!  & just because that is the most beautiful thing I've heard in awhile, I'm going say it again...NO MORE ENDO!  Praise God! We are so thankful for Dr. Parker and his commitment to making me a healthier & happier person!!

  & as if that news wasn't amazing enough on its own, we got the official "go ahead" on mission making baby Smathers!  We are so Thrilled that things are moving right along.  Dr. Parker decided to not waste any more time (my kinda dude) & is moving us straight into our next cycle using Femara, Progesterone, and another medication to help control the autoimmune side of endometriosis. For those who do not already know, Femara is a drug used to either A, help those who do not ovulate during their cycle to ovulate, or B to help those who already ovulate, like in my case, to help to create multiple eggs instead of just one .  This will obviously up our chances of conceiving substantially( & of multiples, and to that I say "Bring it on!!"). The Femara will be taken on day 3 of my cycle to boost my ovulation.  Progesterone is the second factor in our plan.  Progesterone levels rise in a woman's cycle after ovulation and if a pregnancy occurs they will continue to rise and help to prepare the uterus for implantation. I will be taking this after I ovulate to help with implantation and to prevent another chemical pregnancy. Dr. Parker is the first doctor to prescribe me a dose of progesterone to help maintain a pregnancy.  This is HUGE!  We will be doing this combo for 3 cycles in hopes that we will not need to move on to further treatments.  We have nothing but hope that this is "it".

On our way to our post op appointment, before I found out all this FANTASTIC news:

  I have felt completely overwhelmed with all the support and love everyone has shown us over the past 3 and a half years, but the past few months has been unreal.  The amount of prayers, kind words, and just the simple things like a "how are you" has been unbelievable. We are so incredibly blessed to have the angels we do in our lives.  I could never say thank you enough!!  God and my friends and family are the reason I am able to keep pushing, and that is something I could never pay back to you all.

  Sadly, with all good news there tends to be some bad news that sneaks its way in.  One of my dearest friend's husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer with a bone metastasis on his shoulder, lower back and hip area, and lymph node.  Today begins his first radiation treatment and later this month he will have his kidney removed.  It gives me goose bumps just typing it, so I can only imagine how my lovely friends are feeling.  It breaks my heart to know they are going through something so horrific.  Through this trial in their lives they have, somehow, remained so incredibly gracious, positive, and hopeful.  Let me tell you folks, this couple is absolutely amazing for that.  Their love for each other and continued love for God will warm even the darkest of souls.  I kept sitting here thinking, why would this happen to them?  They don't deserve this! It really saddens me how much I take for granted daily and how the smallest of things send me over the edge.  And for what?  Your life can be turned upside down in two seconds flat and I'm worried about my Starbucks being made wrong one day or someone cutting me off on my way home from work?  It's absurd where our minds can take us so quickly.  Take time to hug your family, husbands, wives, children, and friends and show them the love you feel for them because you never know where life can take you one minute to the next.

  I would love to continue with a huge prayer chain that has begun on IG for Greg & Tiff.  Please join me in saying a prayer of comfort, strength, healing, and continued hope for this wonderful couple.  My heart goes out to you both!

  At church this past Sunday we had a guest pastor visit and he gave us a wonderful sermon that could not fit my life, nor my friend's lives any better.  I am including it here for those that are interested in listening.  Though my trials are nothing compared to some, this sermon really spoke to me.  The first part of the sermon is an intro and talks about our church and pastor a little bit before he jumps into the sermon, its quite funny but don't feel bad about skipping the first half and jumping right in.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

http://www.gracefellowship.cc/pastor-swap-mark-artrip

Lastly, just a little update on my recovery since surgery:

Things are finally looking and feeling normal again!  It was a rocky and difficult road, but so worth it! ( My dearest Jen, you were so right!)

Again, thank you all so much for your prayers & kind words of encouragement through all of this!  It is more than I could ever ask for!



 

Let's be honest...

  Let me start off by saying that no one can fully understand how you really feel. You can tell them everything, your whole life story, you can be descriptive on every little feeling and detail, but even so, none of that will ever be enough to understand.  This is true for endometriosis, infertility, and I am sure so many other diseases. Sometimes the pain and heartache you are feeling really cannot even be put into words and explained.  I know it seems dramatic to some, but its true. 

   I have been blessed to have met so many beautiful women from all over the world on a social media app called "instagram". This community has brought me so much joy and so many friendships that go even beyond fertility.  It is truly, truly a blessing to have been able to meet other women who suffer through the same things I do day to day.  Family and friends in my life have been more than supportive, but there is just something about having a friendship with someone who just "gets it".

  Over the past few years I have tried to help those who are close to me understand where I am coming from in all of this and explain to them how some things that are said can be hurtful and hard to hear. I figured what better way to make it loud and clear than to shout it from the roof tops(of my blog) haha :).  I will try my best to make my statements with a little dash of humor to lighten the serious topic! Believe it or not, after all these years and months of trying to conceive and the pain I can still have a good laugh about it all!! SO lets get this ball rolling...

Number 1: I never know exactly when I am going to have a so called "good" day.  When I cancel because I am not feeling great or I just need to stay home and relax...trust me...I am not enjoying being held hostage in bed.  I do not enjoy horrendous cramps, aches or migraines.  I would love to go out on a Friday night knowing I am not going to get sick from whatever place everyone decides would be a good dinner out.  I would love to show up and be the life of the party, but unfortunately good days are hard to come by!  I promise I am not blowing you off, I really am just sick.

Number Two: I love being told I look sick. Joking obviously.  This one is pretty frequent for me.  I cannot tell you how many times someone says..."hmm, you must be having an off day you don't look so good!"  Well, gee thank you for letting me know, as if I didn't look in a mirror this morning and see the lovely bags under my eyes and the color that has left my face, and I definitely cant feel the razor sharp crushing pains that caused me to look like this, but hey thanks for noticing and letting me know I look like a train wreck.

Number Three: "She just wants attention." Oh boy, this one rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons.  Women who suffer with these diseases are far from begging for attention...at least I know I am.  Some of the reasons I and my friends speak out about Endometriosis and Infertility is not to have pity or for people to feel bad for us....its to bring awareness to our diseases.  To make people realize they are life changing and not just something we like to talk about for fun.  The second reason is so people understand we are not flaky, shady, or faking being sick to get out of things like work. We in all honestly really feel that terrible.

Number Four: "It could always be worse." Yes, indeed it could be worse.  I am not dying and I am blessed to have the beautiful life I have been given, BUT let me ask you this....Do you know what it is like to be alive, but never feel like you are actually living life?  Do you know what it feels like to never feel "normal" and to always feel like you are half doing life?  I will tell you, it sucks.  To be completely honest. But guess what? We get up everyday, brush our hair, throw on our makeup to cover the dark circles from sleepless nights, put on our million dollar smile and JUST DO IT.  It's what we have to do because this is the life we were given and at the end of the day God chose ME to be a warrior in life for a reason so I am not going to go down without a fight!!! 

Number Five: This one is usually just because they don't know what to say so they go on and on about their brother's best friend's little sister's cousin twice removed who had endometriosis and she ended up with 10 kids and chased rainbows and unicorns. Well, I'm happy for her really, but come on!   Every case is completely and totally different.  In fact, some women do not even know they have it!  Endometriosis ranges from not even knowing you have it to intense excessive pain and infertility.  She is very lucky to have dealt with the disease so gracefully.  It is kind to give stories of hope, but if you think about it, every other person I talk to that brings it up probably has a success story to share with me.  Sometimes it just makes you more upset because you wonder why you can't have it that easy.

Number Six: "You are so lucky to be able to have so many days off work." Yes I would say I was lucky too if I spent my called off days at the beach drinking a daiquiri getting a nice tan, but instead I am in my bed with a heating pad, loads of meds, some tissues, and chocolate (ok, this isn't so bad lol).  I have to worry if I am going to lose my job or if I am going to have trouble explaining why I am missing work.  Its nothing but anxiety and a painful situation.

And my favorite one to date....

Number Seven: "I have cramps too, have you tried Ibuprofen and a heating pad?" Actually, no I have just spent the past 11 years of my life thinking "hmmmm, I wonder if I should take some medicine and get a heating pad?" Let's be serious people, ibuprofen doesn't even put a dent in the pain.  Endometriosis is not just "bad cramps".  It is chronic pain caused by internal bleeding and inflammation.  Comparing Endometriosis flare ups to cramps is basically comparing a paper cut to a cut off limb, I promise it feels that awful at the time.

  I am saying these things with so much love!  This is not to make people feel bad or be upset because they have possibly said one of these things to me in the past.  I am WELL aware that most of these things are said out of love for me and not understanding what I need to hear, and that is the reason behind this post.  I want people to somehow, someway, kinda-sorta grasp the significance of these diseases.

  There are so many things you could say and do.  Checking in when you know I am feeling sick and just letting me know you are there to listen is sometimes all I need.  I am a pretty positive person for the most part.  I may have a few hours of whining, but I always come out smiling.  A big sorry to all my dear friends who have had to listen to my whining, just know I love you all so much and it means the world to me that you are willing to listen! 

  Acknowledging the fact that, yes I got my butt out of bed and brushed my hair today and made it to work.  That is a big accomplishment when you have a war going on in your uterus!  I may not look my best, but I am there! It may not seem like it matters, but just acknowledging that you know I am trying makes me feel like what I am going through matters.

  And Ya know, some days there might not be anything to say at all.  Some days I may just need a big hug.  And guess what?  I love hugs from those I hold dear to my heart! :):)



With ALL of that being said and all of the darkness it can bring I still have hope in my future.  I still hold on to the fact the God can get me through anything.  Though I have dark days, there are better ones ahead.  I recently came across a prayer in a book I was given and I have been praying this prayer every night since.  I find it so beautiful and perfect.  I hope that if there is anyone reading this post that is struggling at all like me that it will to help them.

Lastly, a quick little update on my recovery!  Things are moving along well, just had a few set backs and bad days, but all in all I am recovering well!

Day 10:

Day 11:

The REAL what if's...(& a little update on recovery)

 

Firstly, I am feeling about the same today as I have been.  Pretty darn sore & nervous to go back to work on Thursday, but im truckin' along.

Day Five after surgery (& a photo bomb by my princess):

What if?...

That seems to be a pretty common question on everyone's mind at some point right?  Well, it happens to cross my mind quite a bit. Think about it this way...

We have being trying to conceive for about 3 and a half years now.  Aching, crying, begging, pleading, talking non-stop about our "one day baby". 

I say things like:

• "well, when I have a child we won't do that" 

• "when I have kids, we will definitely do this instead of what they are doing"

• "My kids won't act like that"

• "I am never going to complain when I am pregnant because I know how it feels to hear someone whine"

• "I won't ever be that kind of mom or parent"

• "I will enjoy every second of being a mom"

• "She went out without her kids two weekends in a row? Pshh I would never do that to my kids"

& I hear other people say things to me like:

• "You are going to be such a good mommy"

• "You deserve this more than anyone I know"

• "You are going to be the most nurturing mom ever"

• "You are going to be the perfect little housewife mommy"

• "You guys are going to have the perfect little family"

Um wake up call people! WHAT IF that doesn't happen so fairytale-ish?  My worries constantly give me anxiety.  Chances are things won't be so perfect and easy.  This is just one hurdle that we have to get through and then a whole new set of things are going to take place.

It is more like, The REAL what if's?:

• What if I am miserable pregnant and I just want to complain sometimes? Am I going to be talked about by those closest to me because it is all I ever wanted and I seem ungrateful and not happy?

• What if I am NOT a good mom? What if I just royally screw up and my kids turn out to be everything I said they wouldn't?

• What if being pregnant terrifies the daylights out of me once I finally am pregnant and I realize, Oh this is really really happening.  I have a little life inside of me.  Are people going to be harsh and say "That is what you wanted so bad, so stop complaining?"

• What if I need a break for adult time?  Am I going to be judged because I need that time after all the years of living and breathing creating this family?

• Am I going to be able to be a Normal pregnant woman and then mother?  Or am I constantly going to be held to higher expectations because of the wait and journey we have endured?

• Are people going to be let down because I make a decision that they don't find favorable?

• Am I going to forget the journey and become one of those people who start saying things like "Just wait till you have kids!"?

I am completely terrified of the REAL What if's. It's something only time can tell. 

 My goal is to constantly push myself to be the best person I can be to prepare myself to be the best mother I can be. All I can do is pray that Jesus will get me through it.

 



My story, in a nut shell.

Hello:)

I finally made the jump and decided to create a space to talk about my journey through infertility & fighting endometriosis.  I figured what could be a more perfect time to start than while on bed rest after hopefully my last and final surgery before we reach our goal of finally having a little family to call our own!  My hope is that through this space I could help someone else going through a similar time in their life. I pray that I can pour out my heart and soul without holding back,  writing about all the ups and downs of this crazy path we've been chosen to go down, so that people can better understand the heartache infertility can cause.  I guess I should start by telling our story. I summarized as much as possible, so I left quite a few things, but I included the major moments that have defined us.

   Meet my gorgeous husband, Todd. I met this boy when I was just a little freshman in high school. Yes folks that's right, high school.  We didn't have the easiest time surviving the odds that were against us being "high school sweethearts", but we did it!  I love to brag that I married my first and only true love because I think that is a very special thing to have in the world we live in today.  We have had people who tried to tear us apart, and at times we did it to ourselves, but we came out stronger than ever and I am so incredibly grateful for the life I share with Todd. In September 2009 we took the plunge and tied the knot just three days after my twenty-first birthday.  When we got married I know we both were just excited about getting married, not about the marriage.  When you are that young you don't really understand what it means to be married, but we quickly learned it was not going to be a walk in the park!  We fought, we struggled, we had money problems, we laughed, we had unforgettable moments, and we really just grew up together. 

   About a year after we got married we decided we wanted to start trying for a baby and so we did.  We just had fun with it!  It was exciting and we loved telling everyone.  Shortly after we started trying I had a sick feeling something just wasn't right, but for the first year we didn't see any doctors or try any quirky methods.  I knew that it was normal to not always get pregnant right away so I tried not to worry. Soon enough, we hit that one year mark that I was dreading.  I decided it was time to see a doctor because something was just off.  My first appointment went well.  I had some routine testing, as well as Todd, and everything came back normal.  I thought, well, maybe its just taking us a tad longer.  A few months passed and I was referred to a fertility specialist.  Talk about scary!

   I remember my first appointment like it was yesterday. I had a dear friend of mine with me for support, thank goodness.  I remember the office being so pretty and comfortable.   I was excited and scared all at the same time.  My doctor walked in the room and jumped right into my medical files.  She was blunt and to the point.  She held back NOTHING.  Within twenty minutes of meeting her, she had told me I would be pregnant one day, but she is 90% sure that I have endometriosis.  The sad part was, I kind of already knew that, but it still killed me to hear it pretty much confirmed.  To my surprise she wanted to do an ultrasound that day!  She got me all set up in the ultrasound room and I remember trying to act like I was not upset, holding back the tears and swallowing back the huge lump in my throat.  I remember looking at my friend, Erika and thinking don't say anything because I will lose it.  My doctor looked right in my eyes and said the words I will never ever forget, "You have endometriosis, and pretty badly at that." I thought I was going to burst into tears, but I held it together all the way through lunch afterwards and as soon as I got in my car alone, I lost it.  It sent me into a deep, deep sadness and I thought I couldn't feel any worse, but boy was I so wrong. 

  Within a month I had scheduled my very first laparoscopic surgery to remove all the endometriosis.  We talked about our options following the surgery and our percentages of each option.  I recovered fairly quickly from surgery and the very next cycle we began fertility treatments.  Our very first cycle and the three following that we did a combination of IUI and an oral pill called Clomid, to help with ovulation.  I thought, finally we are going to have our little angel to bring home, but we failed time and time again.  We moved on to injections daily and IUI's. Still, no luck. 

  Through all of this time doing treatments I struggled emotionally and physically so much so that I was becoming someone I'm not.  I became angry, bitter, hateful,  and really just plain mean.  I knew it, but it was like I couldn't control the monster inside because I had one thing on my mind and if I couldn't have it then I was going to throw a fit. No one else was aloud to be happy either because I wasn't happy. I ruined friendships and damaged others.  I became someone I never  wanted to be.  Someone people hated to be around.  I was severely depressed and in major denial. I knew I had to do something drastic or my life was going to slowly unravel.

  We soon took a 6 month "break" from trying.  A break from trying is never truly a break though. Let me tell you, your mind and soul are obsessed with just getting pregnant.  It controls everything in your life and nothing else matters.  A "break" from trying is impossible when you are infertile. Somehow though,  I did seem to get some hope back.  I found a little happiness in my life, just enough so that Todd and I decided we should try a new doctor. 

  Ahhhh, a fresh start for a new outlook on our journey.  I met my new doctor and he did even more testing than my other doctors did. And so it seemed I had found THE doctor to help us get to our goal of having a family. Unfortunately, that was short lived.  While we did make some progress with two very short lived chemical pregnancies, that wasn't enough for us.  I realized I was going down that same path of depression I was on before and we were running out of options financially so we just stopped.  We tried to act like it was okay and we wanted to take a break, but in all honesty we never wanted to stop trying, we just had no choice.

This is a picture of the first time we saw a REAL test that read Pregnant:

  About the same time this happened, I met a friend that literally turned my world upside down.  She made me realize that life is NOT that bad, I can never lose hope, and I was missing one key thing in my life, Jesus.  I've told her before, but words cannot express the gratitude I have for this angel in my life.  Jen, you saved me from a life of depression and bitterness, and put me back on track. For that I will always be in debt to you.

  From that point on, sure I have struggled and have had bad days BUT at the end of the night I can look to my God and know He has a plan for us and He loves me so incredibly much.  Renewing my relationship with Jesus changed my world.  Putting him first and realizing HE is in control made me have a new outlook on life.  I have been blessed with an amazing, one of a kind support from my friends and family.  I cannot thank you all enough for that.

  Believe it or not, we made one last switch to a doctor I am so happy to have come across.  This is where we are at today.  I had my first appointment with him in September.  He told me what I already knew deep down...we have been wasting our time and money on treatments that were never going to work.  I still had severe endometriosis that was never properly removed.  We spoke for a few hours and did lots of tests.  Finally I found a doctor who had the same goal as me.  I just knew something was not right.  I just wanted to feel better and be healthy. Yes, to be pregnant is my goal, but my health is number one and over the years it was just pushed aside.  He made the decision that I would need to have surgery, again.  I was extremely terrified and really upset, but happy that someone cared enough to try harder! His goal is for me to just feel better, and THEN pregnancy will naturally happen for us.  It sounds crazy after all we have been through, but I really believe he is right.  We also started taking Creighton model classes to chart my cycles, which has been awesome by the way!  Thanks to him, I have hope again.

  My surgery was last week. I have had a crazy and rocky recovery and I still don't feel great by any means, but  I am trying to remember it is ALL GOING TO BE WORTH IT! 

Baby Smathers is going to happen. 

  My friends and family are pushing me right along and I can feel the good that is right around the corner.  The plan is for this to be a fresh start in the right direction. No looking back on the past.  This is the new Baby Smathers journey and we are not giving up hope!!!!

I am adding in some photos of my recovery so far and a few links for those of you who are interested in reading more on endometriosis, infertility, and a few other things I talked about here.  I know for those who have not been through it before, it can all be a little confusing.

Before surgery:

day two after surgery:



 day three after surgery:

day four after surgery:





Links to some of the sites I find to be helpful in  understanding this journey:

What is Endometriosis?

What is an IUI?

Creighton Model System

Infertility