The REAL what if's...(& a little update on recovery)

 

Firstly, I am feeling about the same today as I have been.  Pretty darn sore & nervous to go back to work on Thursday, but im truckin' along.

Day Five after surgery (& a photo bomb by my princess):

What if?...

That seems to be a pretty common question on everyone's mind at some point right?  Well, it happens to cross my mind quite a bit. Think about it this way...

We have being trying to conceive for about 3 and a half years now.  Aching, crying, begging, pleading, talking non-stop about our "one day baby". 

I say things like:

• "well, when I have a child we won't do that" 

• "when I have kids, we will definitely do this instead of what they are doing"

• "My kids won't act like that"

• "I am never going to complain when I am pregnant because I know how it feels to hear someone whine"

• "I won't ever be that kind of mom or parent"

• "I will enjoy every second of being a mom"

• "She went out without her kids two weekends in a row? Pshh I would never do that to my kids"

& I hear other people say things to me like:

• "You are going to be such a good mommy"

• "You deserve this more than anyone I know"

• "You are going to be the most nurturing mom ever"

• "You are going to be the perfect little housewife mommy"

• "You guys are going to have the perfect little family"

Um wake up call people! WHAT IF that doesn't happen so fairytale-ish?  My worries constantly give me anxiety.  Chances are things won't be so perfect and easy.  This is just one hurdle that we have to get through and then a whole new set of things are going to take place.

It is more like, The REAL what if's?:

• What if I am miserable pregnant and I just want to complain sometimes? Am I going to be talked about by those closest to me because it is all I ever wanted and I seem ungrateful and not happy?

• What if I am NOT a good mom? What if I just royally screw up and my kids turn out to be everything I said they wouldn't?

• What if being pregnant terrifies the daylights out of me once I finally am pregnant and I realize, Oh this is really really happening.  I have a little life inside of me.  Are people going to be harsh and say "That is what you wanted so bad, so stop complaining?"

• What if I need a break for adult time?  Am I going to be judged because I need that time after all the years of living and breathing creating this family?

• Am I going to be able to be a Normal pregnant woman and then mother?  Or am I constantly going to be held to higher expectations because of the wait and journey we have endured?

• Are people going to be let down because I make a decision that they don't find favorable?

• Am I going to forget the journey and become one of those people who start saying things like "Just wait till you have kids!"?

I am completely terrified of the REAL What if's. It's something only time can tell. 

 My goal is to constantly push myself to be the best person I can be to prepare myself to be the best mother I can be. All I can do is pray that Jesus will get me through it.