My story, in a nut shell.

Hello:)

I finally made the jump and decided to create a space to talk about my journey through infertility & fighting endometriosis.  I figured what could be a more perfect time to start than while on bed rest after hopefully my last and final surgery before we reach our goal of finally having a little family to call our own!  My hope is that through this space I could help someone else going through a similar time in their life. I pray that I can pour out my heart and soul without holding back,  writing about all the ups and downs of this crazy path we've been chosen to go down, so that people can better understand the heartache infertility can cause.  I guess I should start by telling our story. I summarized as much as possible, so I left quite a few things, but I included the major moments that have defined us.

   Meet my gorgeous husband, Todd. I met this boy when I was just a little freshman in high school. Yes folks that's right, high school.  We didn't have the easiest time surviving the odds that were against us being "high school sweethearts", but we did it!  I love to brag that I married my first and only true love because I think that is a very special thing to have in the world we live in today.  We have had people who tried to tear us apart, and at times we did it to ourselves, but we came out stronger than ever and I am so incredibly grateful for the life I share with Todd. In September 2009 we took the plunge and tied the knot just three days after my twenty-first birthday.  When we got married I know we both were just excited about getting married, not about the marriage.  When you are that young you don't really understand what it means to be married, but we quickly learned it was not going to be a walk in the park!  We fought, we struggled, we had money problems, we laughed, we had unforgettable moments, and we really just grew up together. 

   About a year after we got married we decided we wanted to start trying for a baby and so we did.  We just had fun with it!  It was exciting and we loved telling everyone.  Shortly after we started trying I had a sick feeling something just wasn't right, but for the first year we didn't see any doctors or try any quirky methods.  I knew that it was normal to not always get pregnant right away so I tried not to worry. Soon enough, we hit that one year mark that I was dreading.  I decided it was time to see a doctor because something was just off.  My first appointment went well.  I had some routine testing, as well as Todd, and everything came back normal.  I thought, well, maybe its just taking us a tad longer.  A few months passed and I was referred to a fertility specialist.  Talk about scary!

   I remember my first appointment like it was yesterday. I had a dear friend of mine with me for support, thank goodness.  I remember the office being so pretty and comfortable.   I was excited and scared all at the same time.  My doctor walked in the room and jumped right into my medical files.  She was blunt and to the point.  She held back NOTHING.  Within twenty minutes of meeting her, she had told me I would be pregnant one day, but she is 90% sure that I have endometriosis.  The sad part was, I kind of already knew that, but it still killed me to hear it pretty much confirmed.  To my surprise she wanted to do an ultrasound that day!  She got me all set up in the ultrasound room and I remember trying to act like I was not upset, holding back the tears and swallowing back the huge lump in my throat.  I remember looking at my friend, Erika and thinking don't say anything because I will lose it.  My doctor looked right in my eyes and said the words I will never ever forget, "You have endometriosis, and pretty badly at that." I thought I was going to burst into tears, but I held it together all the way through lunch afterwards and as soon as I got in my car alone, I lost it.  It sent me into a deep, deep sadness and I thought I couldn't feel any worse, but boy was I so wrong. 

  Within a month I had scheduled my very first laparoscopic surgery to remove all the endometriosis.  We talked about our options following the surgery and our percentages of each option.  I recovered fairly quickly from surgery and the very next cycle we began fertility treatments.  Our very first cycle and the three following that we did a combination of IUI and an oral pill called Clomid, to help with ovulation.  I thought, finally we are going to have our little angel to bring home, but we failed time and time again.  We moved on to injections daily and IUI's. Still, no luck. 

  Through all of this time doing treatments I struggled emotionally and physically so much so that I was becoming someone I'm not.  I became angry, bitter, hateful,  and really just plain mean.  I knew it, but it was like I couldn't control the monster inside because I had one thing on my mind and if I couldn't have it then I was going to throw a fit. No one else was aloud to be happy either because I wasn't happy. I ruined friendships and damaged others.  I became someone I never  wanted to be.  Someone people hated to be around.  I was severely depressed and in major denial. I knew I had to do something drastic or my life was going to slowly unravel.

  We soon took a 6 month "break" from trying.  A break from trying is never truly a break though. Let me tell you, your mind and soul are obsessed with just getting pregnant.  It controls everything in your life and nothing else matters.  A "break" from trying is impossible when you are infertile. Somehow though,  I did seem to get some hope back.  I found a little happiness in my life, just enough so that Todd and I decided we should try a new doctor. 

  Ahhhh, a fresh start for a new outlook on our journey.  I met my new doctor and he did even more testing than my other doctors did. And so it seemed I had found THE doctor to help us get to our goal of having a family. Unfortunately, that was short lived.  While we did make some progress with two very short lived chemical pregnancies, that wasn't enough for us.  I realized I was going down that same path of depression I was on before and we were running out of options financially so we just stopped.  We tried to act like it was okay and we wanted to take a break, but in all honesty we never wanted to stop trying, we just had no choice.

This is a picture of the first time we saw a REAL test that read Pregnant:

  About the same time this happened, I met a friend that literally turned my world upside down.  She made me realize that life is NOT that bad, I can never lose hope, and I was missing one key thing in my life, Jesus.  I've told her before, but words cannot express the gratitude I have for this angel in my life.  Jen, you saved me from a life of depression and bitterness, and put me back on track. For that I will always be in debt to you.

  From that point on, sure I have struggled and have had bad days BUT at the end of the night I can look to my God and know He has a plan for us and He loves me so incredibly much.  Renewing my relationship with Jesus changed my world.  Putting him first and realizing HE is in control made me have a new outlook on life.  I have been blessed with an amazing, one of a kind support from my friends and family.  I cannot thank you all enough for that.

  Believe it or not, we made one last switch to a doctor I am so happy to have come across.  This is where we are at today.  I had my first appointment with him in September.  He told me what I already knew deep down...we have been wasting our time and money on treatments that were never going to work.  I still had severe endometriosis that was never properly removed.  We spoke for a few hours and did lots of tests.  Finally I found a doctor who had the same goal as me.  I just knew something was not right.  I just wanted to feel better and be healthy. Yes, to be pregnant is my goal, but my health is number one and over the years it was just pushed aside.  He made the decision that I would need to have surgery, again.  I was extremely terrified and really upset, but happy that someone cared enough to try harder! His goal is for me to just feel better, and THEN pregnancy will naturally happen for us.  It sounds crazy after all we have been through, but I really believe he is right.  We also started taking Creighton model classes to chart my cycles, which has been awesome by the way!  Thanks to him, I have hope again.

  My surgery was last week. I have had a crazy and rocky recovery and I still don't feel great by any means, but  I am trying to remember it is ALL GOING TO BE WORTH IT! 

Baby Smathers is going to happen. 

  My friends and family are pushing me right along and I can feel the good that is right around the corner.  The plan is for this to be a fresh start in the right direction. No looking back on the past.  This is the new Baby Smathers journey and we are not giving up hope!!!!

I am adding in some photos of my recovery so far and a few links for those of you who are interested in reading more on endometriosis, infertility, and a few other things I talked about here.  I know for those who have not been through it before, it can all be a little confusing.

Before surgery:

day two after surgery:



 day three after surgery:

day four after surgery:





Links to some of the sites I find to be helpful in  understanding this journey:

What is Endometriosis?

What is an IUI?

Creighton Model System

Infertility