Let's be honest...

  Let me start off by saying that no one can fully understand how you really feel. You can tell them everything, your whole life story, you can be descriptive on every little feeling and detail, but even so, none of that will ever be enough to understand.  This is true for endometriosis, infertility, and I am sure so many other diseases. Sometimes the pain and heartache you are feeling really cannot even be put into words and explained.  I know it seems dramatic to some, but its true. 

   I have been blessed to have met so many beautiful women from all over the world on a social media app called "instagram". This community has brought me so much joy and so many friendships that go even beyond fertility.  It is truly, truly a blessing to have been able to meet other women who suffer through the same things I do day to day.  Family and friends in my life have been more than supportive, but there is just something about having a friendship with someone who just "gets it".

  Over the past few years I have tried to help those who are close to me understand where I am coming from in all of this and explain to them how some things that are said can be hurtful and hard to hear. I figured what better way to make it loud and clear than to shout it from the roof tops(of my blog) haha :).  I will try my best to make my statements with a little dash of humor to lighten the serious topic! Believe it or not, after all these years and months of trying to conceive and the pain I can still have a good laugh about it all!! SO lets get this ball rolling...

Number 1: I never know exactly when I am going to have a so called "good" day.  When I cancel because I am not feeling great or I just need to stay home and relax...trust me...I am not enjoying being held hostage in bed.  I do not enjoy horrendous cramps, aches or migraines.  I would love to go out on a Friday night knowing I am not going to get sick from whatever place everyone decides would be a good dinner out.  I would love to show up and be the life of the party, but unfortunately good days are hard to come by!  I promise I am not blowing you off, I really am just sick.

Number Two: I love being told I look sick. Joking obviously.  This one is pretty frequent for me.  I cannot tell you how many times someone says..."hmm, you must be having an off day you don't look so good!"  Well, gee thank you for letting me know, as if I didn't look in a mirror this morning and see the lovely bags under my eyes and the color that has left my face, and I definitely cant feel the razor sharp crushing pains that caused me to look like this, but hey thanks for noticing and letting me know I look like a train wreck.

Number Three: "She just wants attention." Oh boy, this one rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons.  Women who suffer with these diseases are far from begging for attention...at least I know I am.  Some of the reasons I and my friends speak out about Endometriosis and Infertility is not to have pity or for people to feel bad for us....its to bring awareness to our diseases.  To make people realize they are life changing and not just something we like to talk about for fun.  The second reason is so people understand we are not flaky, shady, or faking being sick to get out of things like work. We in all honestly really feel that terrible.

Number Four: "It could always be worse." Yes, indeed it could be worse.  I am not dying and I am blessed to have the beautiful life I have been given, BUT let me ask you this....Do you know what it is like to be alive, but never feel like you are actually living life?  Do you know what it feels like to never feel "normal" and to always feel like you are half doing life?  I will tell you, it sucks.  To be completely honest. But guess what? We get up everyday, brush our hair, throw on our makeup to cover the dark circles from sleepless nights, put on our million dollar smile and JUST DO IT.  It's what we have to do because this is the life we were given and at the end of the day God chose ME to be a warrior in life for a reason so I am not going to go down without a fight!!! 

Number Five: This one is usually just because they don't know what to say so they go on and on about their brother's best friend's little sister's cousin twice removed who had endometriosis and she ended up with 10 kids and chased rainbows and unicorns. Well, I'm happy for her really, but come on!   Every case is completely and totally different.  In fact, some women do not even know they have it!  Endometriosis ranges from not even knowing you have it to intense excessive pain and infertility.  She is very lucky to have dealt with the disease so gracefully.  It is kind to give stories of hope, but if you think about it, every other person I talk to that brings it up probably has a success story to share with me.  Sometimes it just makes you more upset because you wonder why you can't have it that easy.

Number Six: "You are so lucky to be able to have so many days off work." Yes I would say I was lucky too if I spent my called off days at the beach drinking a daiquiri getting a nice tan, but instead I am in my bed with a heating pad, loads of meds, some tissues, and chocolate (ok, this isn't so bad lol).  I have to worry if I am going to lose my job or if I am going to have trouble explaining why I am missing work.  Its nothing but anxiety and a painful situation.

And my favorite one to date....

Number Seven: "I have cramps too, have you tried Ibuprofen and a heating pad?" Actually, no I have just spent the past 11 years of my life thinking "hmmmm, I wonder if I should take some medicine and get a heating pad?" Let's be serious people, ibuprofen doesn't even put a dent in the pain.  Endometriosis is not just "bad cramps".  It is chronic pain caused by internal bleeding and inflammation.  Comparing Endometriosis flare ups to cramps is basically comparing a paper cut to a cut off limb, I promise it feels that awful at the time.

  I am saying these things with so much love!  This is not to make people feel bad or be upset because they have possibly said one of these things to me in the past.  I am WELL aware that most of these things are said out of love for me and not understanding what I need to hear, and that is the reason behind this post.  I want people to somehow, someway, kinda-sorta grasp the significance of these diseases.

  There are so many things you could say and do.  Checking in when you know I am feeling sick and just letting me know you are there to listen is sometimes all I need.  I am a pretty positive person for the most part.  I may have a few hours of whining, but I always come out smiling.  A big sorry to all my dear friends who have had to listen to my whining, just know I love you all so much and it means the world to me that you are willing to listen! 

  Acknowledging the fact that, yes I got my butt out of bed and brushed my hair today and made it to work.  That is a big accomplishment when you have a war going on in your uterus!  I may not look my best, but I am there! It may not seem like it matters, but just acknowledging that you know I am trying makes me feel like what I am going through matters.

  And Ya know, some days there might not be anything to say at all.  Some days I may just need a big hug.  And guess what?  I love hugs from those I hold dear to my heart! :):)



With ALL of that being said and all of the darkness it can bring I still have hope in my future.  I still hold on to the fact the God can get me through anything.  Though I have dark days, there are better ones ahead.  I recently came across a prayer in a book I was given and I have been praying this prayer every night since.  I find it so beautiful and perfect.  I hope that if there is anyone reading this post that is struggling at all like me that it will to help them.

Lastly, a quick little update on my recovery!  Things are moving along well, just had a few set backs and bad days, but all in all I am recovering well!

Day 10:

Day 11:

The REAL what if's...(& a little update on recovery)

 

Firstly, I am feeling about the same today as I have been.  Pretty darn sore & nervous to go back to work on Thursday, but im truckin' along.

Day Five after surgery (& a photo bomb by my princess):

What if?...

That seems to be a pretty common question on everyone's mind at some point right?  Well, it happens to cross my mind quite a bit. Think about it this way...

We have being trying to conceive for about 3 and a half years now.  Aching, crying, begging, pleading, talking non-stop about our "one day baby". 

I say things like:

• "well, when I have a child we won't do that" 

• "when I have kids, we will definitely do this instead of what they are doing"

• "My kids won't act like that"

• "I am never going to complain when I am pregnant because I know how it feels to hear someone whine"

• "I won't ever be that kind of mom or parent"

• "I will enjoy every second of being a mom"

• "She went out without her kids two weekends in a row? Pshh I would never do that to my kids"

& I hear other people say things to me like:

• "You are going to be such a good mommy"

• "You deserve this more than anyone I know"

• "You are going to be the most nurturing mom ever"

• "You are going to be the perfect little housewife mommy"

• "You guys are going to have the perfect little family"

Um wake up call people! WHAT IF that doesn't happen so fairytale-ish?  My worries constantly give me anxiety.  Chances are things won't be so perfect and easy.  This is just one hurdle that we have to get through and then a whole new set of things are going to take place.

It is more like, The REAL what if's?:

• What if I am miserable pregnant and I just want to complain sometimes? Am I going to be talked about by those closest to me because it is all I ever wanted and I seem ungrateful and not happy?

• What if I am NOT a good mom? What if I just royally screw up and my kids turn out to be everything I said they wouldn't?

• What if being pregnant terrifies the daylights out of me once I finally am pregnant and I realize, Oh this is really really happening.  I have a little life inside of me.  Are people going to be harsh and say "That is what you wanted so bad, so stop complaining?"

• What if I need a break for adult time?  Am I going to be judged because I need that time after all the years of living and breathing creating this family?

• Am I going to be able to be a Normal pregnant woman and then mother?  Or am I constantly going to be held to higher expectations because of the wait and journey we have endured?

• Are people going to be let down because I make a decision that they don't find favorable?

• Am I going to forget the journey and become one of those people who start saying things like "Just wait till you have kids!"?

I am completely terrified of the REAL What if's. It's something only time can tell. 

 My goal is to constantly push myself to be the best person I can be to prepare myself to be the best mother I can be. All I can do is pray that Jesus will get me through it.

 



My story, in a nut shell.

Hello:)

I finally made the jump and decided to create a space to talk about my journey through infertility & fighting endometriosis.  I figured what could be a more perfect time to start than while on bed rest after hopefully my last and final surgery before we reach our goal of finally having a little family to call our own!  My hope is that through this space I could help someone else going through a similar time in their life. I pray that I can pour out my heart and soul without holding back,  writing about all the ups and downs of this crazy path we've been chosen to go down, so that people can better understand the heartache infertility can cause.  I guess I should start by telling our story. I summarized as much as possible, so I left quite a few things, but I included the major moments that have defined us.

   Meet my gorgeous husband, Todd. I met this boy when I was just a little freshman in high school. Yes folks that's right, high school.  We didn't have the easiest time surviving the odds that were against us being "high school sweethearts", but we did it!  I love to brag that I married my first and only true love because I think that is a very special thing to have in the world we live in today.  We have had people who tried to tear us apart, and at times we did it to ourselves, but we came out stronger than ever and I am so incredibly grateful for the life I share with Todd. In September 2009 we took the plunge and tied the knot just three days after my twenty-first birthday.  When we got married I know we both were just excited about getting married, not about the marriage.  When you are that young you don't really understand what it means to be married, but we quickly learned it was not going to be a walk in the park!  We fought, we struggled, we had money problems, we laughed, we had unforgettable moments, and we really just grew up together. 

   About a year after we got married we decided we wanted to start trying for a baby and so we did.  We just had fun with it!  It was exciting and we loved telling everyone.  Shortly after we started trying I had a sick feeling something just wasn't right, but for the first year we didn't see any doctors or try any quirky methods.  I knew that it was normal to not always get pregnant right away so I tried not to worry. Soon enough, we hit that one year mark that I was dreading.  I decided it was time to see a doctor because something was just off.  My first appointment went well.  I had some routine testing, as well as Todd, and everything came back normal.  I thought, well, maybe its just taking us a tad longer.  A few months passed and I was referred to a fertility specialist.  Talk about scary!

   I remember my first appointment like it was yesterday. I had a dear friend of mine with me for support, thank goodness.  I remember the office being so pretty and comfortable.   I was excited and scared all at the same time.  My doctor walked in the room and jumped right into my medical files.  She was blunt and to the point.  She held back NOTHING.  Within twenty minutes of meeting her, she had told me I would be pregnant one day, but she is 90% sure that I have endometriosis.  The sad part was, I kind of already knew that, but it still killed me to hear it pretty much confirmed.  To my surprise she wanted to do an ultrasound that day!  She got me all set up in the ultrasound room and I remember trying to act like I was not upset, holding back the tears and swallowing back the huge lump in my throat.  I remember looking at my friend, Erika and thinking don't say anything because I will lose it.  My doctor looked right in my eyes and said the words I will never ever forget, "You have endometriosis, and pretty badly at that." I thought I was going to burst into tears, but I held it together all the way through lunch afterwards and as soon as I got in my car alone, I lost it.  It sent me into a deep, deep sadness and I thought I couldn't feel any worse, but boy was I so wrong. 

  Within a month I had scheduled my very first laparoscopic surgery to remove all the endometriosis.  We talked about our options following the surgery and our percentages of each option.  I recovered fairly quickly from surgery and the very next cycle we began fertility treatments.  Our very first cycle and the three following that we did a combination of IUI and an oral pill called Clomid, to help with ovulation.  I thought, finally we are going to have our little angel to bring home, but we failed time and time again.  We moved on to injections daily and IUI's. Still, no luck. 

  Through all of this time doing treatments I struggled emotionally and physically so much so that I was becoming someone I'm not.  I became angry, bitter, hateful,  and really just plain mean.  I knew it, but it was like I couldn't control the monster inside because I had one thing on my mind and if I couldn't have it then I was going to throw a fit. No one else was aloud to be happy either because I wasn't happy. I ruined friendships and damaged others.  I became someone I never  wanted to be.  Someone people hated to be around.  I was severely depressed and in major denial. I knew I had to do something drastic or my life was going to slowly unravel.

  We soon took a 6 month "break" from trying.  A break from trying is never truly a break though. Let me tell you, your mind and soul are obsessed with just getting pregnant.  It controls everything in your life and nothing else matters.  A "break" from trying is impossible when you are infertile. Somehow though,  I did seem to get some hope back.  I found a little happiness in my life, just enough so that Todd and I decided we should try a new doctor. 

  Ahhhh, a fresh start for a new outlook on our journey.  I met my new doctor and he did even more testing than my other doctors did. And so it seemed I had found THE doctor to help us get to our goal of having a family. Unfortunately, that was short lived.  While we did make some progress with two very short lived chemical pregnancies, that wasn't enough for us.  I realized I was going down that same path of depression I was on before and we were running out of options financially so we just stopped.  We tried to act like it was okay and we wanted to take a break, but in all honesty we never wanted to stop trying, we just had no choice.

This is a picture of the first time we saw a REAL test that read Pregnant:

  About the same time this happened, I met a friend that literally turned my world upside down.  She made me realize that life is NOT that bad, I can never lose hope, and I was missing one key thing in my life, Jesus.  I've told her before, but words cannot express the gratitude I have for this angel in my life.  Jen, you saved me from a life of depression and bitterness, and put me back on track. For that I will always be in debt to you.

  From that point on, sure I have struggled and have had bad days BUT at the end of the night I can look to my God and know He has a plan for us and He loves me so incredibly much.  Renewing my relationship with Jesus changed my world.  Putting him first and realizing HE is in control made me have a new outlook on life.  I have been blessed with an amazing, one of a kind support from my friends and family.  I cannot thank you all enough for that.

  Believe it or not, we made one last switch to a doctor I am so happy to have come across.  This is where we are at today.  I had my first appointment with him in September.  He told me what I already knew deep down...we have been wasting our time and money on treatments that were never going to work.  I still had severe endometriosis that was never properly removed.  We spoke for a few hours and did lots of tests.  Finally I found a doctor who had the same goal as me.  I just knew something was not right.  I just wanted to feel better and be healthy. Yes, to be pregnant is my goal, but my health is number one and over the years it was just pushed aside.  He made the decision that I would need to have surgery, again.  I was extremely terrified and really upset, but happy that someone cared enough to try harder! His goal is for me to just feel better, and THEN pregnancy will naturally happen for us.  It sounds crazy after all we have been through, but I really believe he is right.  We also started taking Creighton model classes to chart my cycles, which has been awesome by the way!  Thanks to him, I have hope again.

  My surgery was last week. I have had a crazy and rocky recovery and I still don't feel great by any means, but  I am trying to remember it is ALL GOING TO BE WORTH IT! 

Baby Smathers is going to happen. 

  My friends and family are pushing me right along and I can feel the good that is right around the corner.  The plan is for this to be a fresh start in the right direction. No looking back on the past.  This is the new Baby Smathers journey and we are not giving up hope!!!!

I am adding in some photos of my recovery so far and a few links for those of you who are interested in reading more on endometriosis, infertility, and a few other things I talked about here.  I know for those who have not been through it before, it can all be a little confusing.

Before surgery:

day two after surgery:



 day three after surgery:

day four after surgery:





Links to some of the sites I find to be helpful in  understanding this journey:

What is Endometriosis?

What is an IUI?

Creighton Model System

Infertility