#Truth

  

  Usually I write about what has been going on in our lives, but I don't think I could possibly sum up this past year in one post.  It has been a year full of a lot of trials & sadness, but in the end we survived the year and came out on top ready to start 2015.  There is a few reasons why that year of my life was not documented and eventually I may share some of those details, but for now I just want to let go and push forward! This year is going to be a beautiful one.  I can just feel it deep in my soul:)

  Looking back at the past is never an easy thing to do.  It can be incredibly painful and really hurt you all over again when you revisit it.  I used to feel ashamed, angry, and really just embarrassed about how I handled life during past seasons of life. I now realize that if I did not have that massive storm blow through every crevice of my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.  Instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed I feel grateful and joyful.  The fight through the never ending storms has been worth it to the very last drop.  Our journey is far from over and there are sure to be new challenges ahead of us, but I'm ready for it this time. 

Infertility is HARD people. I mean it really just drains you from the inside out, presses hard on your marriage and friendships, and makes everything seem like your climbing a mountain that has no top. The pain is exhausting and real in every way.  There are some things that are tempting to my weakened heart to just give in and be selfish with my daily struggle. I used to think it was my "right" to be a brat because my life circumstances sucked...that is so so far from the truth.  It is not right and it never has been, but there are absolutely going to be times when I am going to fail and handle a situation entirely wrong.  

  There are a few things that hurt me no matter what I do to avoid them it feels, or act like they don't tear me apart. Things like seeing your husband holding and playing with someone else's baby.  All you want is to give him a child of his own because you know he would be an amazing father, but your body says no.  You feel the guilt being the person who is the cause for the infertility you both are facing.  There have been times when I've just wanted to say "Babe, its ok if you want to leave this marriage and find someone new who can give you a family", but I know thats absolutely ridiculous and my wounded heart speaking.  Just because we may never have a child that we create doesn't mean we won't have children. I know he is in this WITH me not AGAINST me. 

  Things like walking through good ole Target can be one of the hardest things I do in my week.  Baby-envy is real guys.  Being somewhere where it seems every other woman you walk past is pregnant or toting her children around is rough.  Target has a way of maxing out my jealously in about point two seconds.  You see that beautiful mama sipping on her Starbucks with her baby tucked comfy in their wrap, scrolling through the sweet little outfits she will dress them in...just wishing that was you.  Knowing your dreams are true for her, and yet you'll be sneaking around looking at all the things you can secretly stash in your "someday trunk". As if that was not hard enough to get through and you realize "Oh my gosh I am being crazy, just get out of this section", you take a quick walk around the corner and spot that adorable happy couple picking out a crib for their bundle of joy on the way.  They bicker over which one will be suitable for their little one, and you can't help but wonder... "will we ever get to be THAT couple?"  The thoughts just begin to spiral out of control. You turn those thoughts into mean ones. Ones you have ZERO right to think or judge people with.  It is all enough to make you run out of there crying your eyes out, but we somehow bring those tears back in and make it through.  I know there are so many of you ladies out there that know the exact things I am speaking of like the back of your hand and I am SO sorry for that. I hate that you have to endure that kind of pain because I know it all to well.

  We can choose to trust in God and pray for peace in these moments or let bitterness take over.  We do have a choice even though sometimes we don't feel like we do.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice and "it just happens".  Nothing just happens to us...we make make these choices.  I am trying  hard every moment of every single day, but sometimes I break.  I am failing at holding it together every second.  I wish words could explain the feeling of guilt I experience when I react with anger and jealously.  It hurts just as bad as the longing for a child that started the whole cycle.  Not only do these choices we make in these moments hurt us, they hurt the ones we love the most.  That is a brutal reality to take in.  

  Over the past year I have continued to grow immensely.  I have learned to accept little by little that we may never have a child.  If so, it is God's plan for us and we have to trust in Him.  Ive said it a million times and I will say again..If He had blessed us with a child when WE thought timing ws right... I really do not know where we would be today.  I don't know how our marriage would have looked and I defiantly do not know how we would have been as parents.  We were absolutely not ready then and He knew that.  I have to trust that He knows that to be true now as well.  His map of our lives is perfect and much more than I could ever put together on my own.  When I finally surrendered and let Jesus walk with me through the pain it was absolutely amazing. Seriously guys, amazing.  I am not claiming to be healed and over it all, but day to day is easier because I have him to hold my hand.  He guides me through it to the joy I know he wants me to feel.  He is so incredibly good.  I am unbelievably grateful I am able to feel the happiness I have in a relationship with him.

  I will not lie...every pregnancy announcement I hear stings, but the sting is short lived these days.  Ive learned to cope with it by leaning into His word rather than my own understanding.  The days I fail to lean into him, I pick up the mess the next day and start fresh.  It is a learning process and every day brings something new.

I have been wanting to update everyone on what is next for us because I am sure some are confused as we had plans to begin IVF the first of the year.  Together we have decided to wait.  Many people's responses have been too funny.  "UM, Brooke...haven't you waited long enough"? Yeah, we probably have, BUT something is telling us to wait and trust God has us in this.  We have waited for years to get to this point, but I don't think that rushing it now is the answer.  We have chosen to slow down and take time to breathe and pray through this time with zero treatments. It feels really good to have our marriage back. It sounds silly to hear those words since we have been married this whole time,  but infertility took over and we lost us in it.  Its going to be a FUN year for us.  Who knows what will happen. We may decide it is time to do IVF at some point this year..there is really no saying what could happen when you don't try and plan every single step.

  In all of our talks we have also decided we want to be fully prepared when the time comes so we are saving for two rounds of IVF. If the first round does not work we will have money saved for a second round.  We know if it doesn't work we will be heartbroken and want to give it one more try.  We did place a limit of two rounds of IVF for our family for many reasons.  It is hard to say that in writing, but it has to be it.  I do not want to force our future to be something it is not meant to be.  This choice is not for everyone.  I have dozens of friends who have done multiple rounds of IVF, but that is what works for their family and I completely support that.  Adoption has always been a dream of mine and something I have wanted whether IVF works or not, it is on our hearts for our future as well.

Our Fertility Office

IVF Paperwork

  One of the biggest questions I get through this process is " I get it is expensive to do IVF, but like how much exactly"?  Well, here is a break down for you guys.  Keep in mind this is not the same for every person or every state for that matter.  This is OUR personal break down.  I am not giving this information for pity, but because I have always been open with everyone since day one.  It is a big part of this journey and I am hoping by sharing the information it could possibly even help someone else.


IVF cycle:

$8,000 day one.  This includes retrieval of eggs, fertilization, all monitoring, anesthesia, and embryo transfer.

$1500 for ICSI (Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) differs from conventional in vitro fertilization (IVF) in that the embryologist selects a single sperm to be injected directly into an egg, instead of fertilization taking place in a dish where many sperm are placed near an egg.)

$500 if assisted hatching is needed.

$3500-$6000 for medication through treatment.

$675 for year one of freezing of unused embryos.

$400 per year from year two and on.

Additional charges if any male/female testing is needed during the process.



If IVF is done twice:

$3,500 IF you have frozen embryos.

$1,000- $1,200 for medication throughout cycle.

If there are no frozen embryos you start with a fresh cycle with no discount.




  We want to thank everyone who has supported us through this process.  To everyone who has been purchasing goodies from my "homes made lovely" IG page...I LOVE YOU. You have no idea how grateful I am to have people who truly care and want to see all our our wildest dreams come true.

You can follow me on Instagram @HomesMadeLovely

Though I am unworthy of His amazing grace, He saved my broken soul & put me on a journey filled with unending joy.  Though at times I allow circumstances to steal my joy, He continuously reminds me that I am forever His.  It warms my heart to know that I am not alone. When my hope runs dry He will show me the way.

 

 

We are

not perfect human beings,

Nor do we have to 

pretend to be,

But it is necessary

for us to be the

best version of ourselves

we can be.

The secret to a happy life.

What if the secret to a happy and fullfilled life was not hiding from us, but it was staring us straight in the eye, just waiting for us to jump in, take a chance, and embrace it?

  After awhile you begin to understand what life is really about.  You live, you learn, you build a big ole bridge and get over the stuff that never really mattered to begin with. You learn that the things that consume you today probably will not matter tomorrow, let alone a year or two from now.

  Living a life full of happiness is easier than we like to make it out to be.  I know that I for one have not fully embraced this precious life I have been given, but I am sure going to do my best at it.


† Always give your whole heart.

† Be present.

† Be kind to others.

† Understand, listen, and take a deep breath before reacting.

† Be honest.

† Take care of your body.

† Do not rush life. Live at your own pace.

† Laugh.

† Cry.

† Sing.

† Dance.

† Pray.

† Never be ashamed to ask for help when you need it.

† Do what you love.

† Find something your passionate about.

† Make memories.

† Take it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the sad, the happy. Take it all in. These are the things that make you who you are.



  I could go on for days and days about what makes this life a happy place to be, but it all comes down to one key thought...

  I need God to soften my heart and open my eyes to this beautiful life we have all been given.

 I know that in the darkest of hours and the coldest of nights He is there to warm my soul with the good news of an eternal life with Him, and that my friends is all you really need. The rest is all just the "stuff" that gets us through it.

Oh Hey, I am still here!

It has been a little while now since I have taken the time to update my blog.  Ive come to realize that I don't write nearly as often when I am not going through something hard in my life.  It is like the words do not flow from the deepest parts of me unless I am writing out of despair.  I suppose that would be a good thing that I have not written in a while if that is the case.

  Things have not been peachy over here 24/7, but there has been quite a few blessings that have snuck in on us.  

  We are officially moving into a new, gorgeous home this spring sometime.  We do not have a date set just yet, but it is in the works!  Guys....its a yellow house with a front porch swing, if you know me at all you know I am in heaven with that news!

  Not only will we be moving into a new home this spring, but we are also taking a vacation to Mexico with just us. I am ecstatic about this. We have actually never been on a vacation with just Todd and I, so this is Big for us! We plan on relaxing & really just enjoying some one on one time that is much much needed!

Oh, & just in time for our lovely vacation...I decided it is time to spice up my life a little with some blonde locks, because after all blondes do have more fun ;)

  Though there have been many blessings & happy moments in our lives as of late, there have also been some unfortunate things that have crept their way in.  About a month ago we unfortunately had yet another miscarriage.  I had a very strong positive at home test on a friday afternoon, which was darker than I have ever had in all these years, but by Tuesday afternoon my beta had dropped significantly. 

 We do not know exactly why this keeps happening, but we do know that God has an ultimate plan for us.  As of now, and for the next few months, we will be taking a step back from fertility medications and just letting things level out.  Dr. Parker believes that my body needs a break from the medications & He would like to see how my body reacts on its own since surgery.  I am happy with this decision we have made for this time in our lives, but I also do not want to waste precious time sitting around.  My plan is to relax and let things go how they go until after our vacation this spring so that I will be nice and rested (hopefully) for when we start back up.

†

You brought me this far

So why would I question You now

You have provided

So why would I start to doubt

I’ve never been stranded, abandoned

Or left here to fight alone

So I’m giving You control

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord, I leave it in Your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me

If peace is a river let it sweep over me

If I’m under fire I know it’s refining me

When I hear You calling out I follow now

Wherever the road may go

I know You’re leading me home

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord,†I leave it in Your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me

Take my life let it be

All for You

Sunshine Award :)

I realize I caused some panic when I posted on IG that I had a surprise!  Oopsies:) I am NOT pregnant, yet!:)

I am completely and totally honored to say that I have been chosen by my sweet friend Allison over at Eggs Over Easy blog to be a nominee for the Sunshine Award!  This was a pleasant surprise during these dreary snow days we have been having:)

I am humbled that I have been able to make an impact in anyone's life, especially someone as sweet, courageous, and kind as Allison.  It truly is a blessing to have made a friend like you in this trying time!

So, what is the Sunshine Award you may be asking?

It is an award given by women in the infertility community to bloggers that they feel bring sunshine into the lives of others.  I am in awe of the support and the love that pours into my life from this community.  It is definitely not a community that I ever thought I would be a part of, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of these women's lives.  They are truly amazing people inside and out.  

Because I have been nominated for this award I will be answering ten question from Allison about myself.  I will then have the chance to nominate five ladies of my own for the award as well!

Here goes nothin'.

1. How did you know your husband was "the one"?

I wish I could say I knew my husband was "the one" the first time I met him, but I was young and silly.  The first time I met Todd I was absolutely infatuated and I knew he had a warm smile and a caring heart and that is what drew me to him in the first place.  Our story is a little different than most, but its a good one.  When we first started dating it was short lived. A whole whopping 3 months to be exact.  I would say now that I loved with him then I was just too dumb to see it.  We both dated a few people in between, but a year and a half later I found myself slowly become closer with him again.  In the "break" of our relationship I went through quite a bit and had  a lot of crappy guys in and out of my life that chose to take advantage of me and hurt me.  I became a little closed off and started re evaluating what I wanted.  As we began to go on some dates together and talk more and more often he asked if he could be my boyfriend, and of course I said yes!  It seems maybe cliche or not a big deal to some people, but to me, the night I knew he was the one was a big deal!  The exact moment I knew he was the one was a late night in my parents driveway when he made a move and I declined.  I told him I was not ready for that and I couldn't believe it... he actually said okay and did not whine or moan and groan about it, he just said "okay"!  He didn't pry and bug me at all again like every other guy had and to me that it a huge deal for a 17 year old boy to take those words and accept it.  I knew then that he was someone special!  Not to mention my parents loved him from day one and that says a lot when Daddy likes a guy! ;)

2. How far (if at all) would you continue fertility treatments?

Good question! I go back and forth on this one.  As of right now I think we have set a goal of doing two rounds of IVF before we would move on from treatments.  It is a tough call to make when to "give up".

3.What are you most looking forward to as a mommy?

I think watching Todd interact with his little boy or girl and seeing him experience all of the firsts and being born is going to be amazing to watch.  I am looking forward to the adventure, and believe it or not the work it takes to raise a child.  There cannot be anything in this world more fascinating than a child's imagination and watching them grow.

4. What is your happy place?

Just being at home just spending quality time with my Toddy and pups!

5. What is you biggest pet peeve?

This is easy. Loud mouth people!  I literally cringe when people say things just because they can.  The people who say "I know I am blunt BUT I speak my mind" or for those girls out there who say "I knowwww I am a Beep, BUT i speak my mind", ugh. Just ugh.  There is a difference between speaking your mind in certain times when necessary and speaking your mind 24/7.  If I said everything I "could" say I would be a very unhappy person I am sure of it.  I just wish more people thought about what they were going to say before they say it.  I know, wishful thinking, but I try and remind myself that these people are probably just hurting inside and that is how they are handling the pain.  Trust me it is so very hard at times to accept that. Haha!

6. Biggest life lessons learned?

Oh gosh there is not enough time in your day to listen to all the lessons I have learned in life, but I will say one in particular really strikes a cord with me. I have learned through all of this time and waiting and struggling to just lift my worries and doubts to God!  I have learned to talk to him when life gets me down and trust him when I feel everything is breaking.  When I re built my relationship with him it changed my life in so many unbelievable ways!

7. What is your biggest fear?

I literally hate this question because people always laugh at me, but whatever I will just throw it out there in all its weirdness....I am terrified of whales(all big animals in the water too, but mostly whales) and really big bodies of water, even pools that are deeper than about 4 feet. Oh, and yes I can swim.  I just freak out if I feel like something could be in the water.  It has gotten worse and worse over the years to the point where if a whale is on tv or a movie I can not even look at the screen.  I don't know why or remember when it began, but it is so real when the fear sets in.  I legit have nightmares about being attacked by whales.  SO dumb because honestly when am I going to come in contact with one?  I get it is silly, but I really can not even handle it!  I am probably completely goofy to be going on a beach vacation this Spring, but I think if I can see my feet and go in like knee dip I will be golden!

8. What is your dream vacation?

I would love to take a trip to Italy for a few weeks.  The food, the wine, the art, the traditions...it all is so fascinating and fun to me! One day maybe!

9. What is your favorite thing about family?

My favorite thing about family is the traditions we create and that feeling of being at "home".  It is an almost indescribable feeling of comfort when you are with your loved ones.  It does not matter where you are or what time of the day it is, it is just home when you are together!  That is the best feeling in the world to me.

10. What is your favorite book?

I have so many favorites because I am a book junkie so I will just give you my favorite I am reading right now!

"You're going to be okay" by Holley Gerth.  It is a must read for my fellow TTC girls and really for anyone going through a rough patch.

And of course the Bible.  I would have laughed if someone answered this question with that a few years ago, but it truly has become such a huge part of my life.  I never thought it to be interesting or as a book of stories and lessons until recently.  I now really enjoy reading and learning from it every day! I am so glad I have come to realize this.

Ahh done!  Now for the fun part! I get to nominate a few of my own ladies!

In no special order:

My dear friend Laura over at Andwithhope.blogspot.com
& Dessens_hope on IG 

The oh so lovely Amy over at Teambabylare.wordpress.com
& AmylynnoXTTC on IG

My sweet couragous friend Tiff over at www.tiffhop.wordpress.com
& HelloHopkins on IG

The sweetest girl ever Rachel over at Ourpumpkinseed.com
& TTC_Ourpumpkinseed on IG

The wonderful and spunky Nikki over at Journey2babyd.blogspot.com
& Nikki_TTC on IG

I love you girls with all my heart and I am so grateful for your love and support over the years!  Seeing your posts & our chats really do bring sunshine in to my life and others lives!  You all have amazing hearts that never cease to amaze me!  With this nomination you can either A. accept it and not continue from there with no problem;) or B. you can also join in on the fun and nominate 5 ladies of your choice for the award!  If you choose to accept then you will get the pleasure of answering ten questions about yourself from yours truly and then pass on ten of your questions to your ladies!! Here are your questions:)


1. What are some things you like to do as a stress reliever, if you have any?

2. What is your favorite memory as a child?

3. How many children do you want to have and is there any reasoning behind that?

4. I loved this question from Allison so I want to hear from you girls too on this..What are you most looking forward to about being a mama?

5. If you could choose one career to do for the rest of your life, money, schooling, means to do so, everything aside, what would you do?

6. How have your family and friends reacted to your issues with infertility and how has that affected you?

7. Other than your husband, who has been the biggest support for you through this time or just in life in general?

8. What is your favorite movie/tv shows?

9. Do you have plans for the future IF for some reason your plan to be a mommy does not happen with treatment? Such as, Is adoption an option for you?  I know I wonder a lot about what IF it really does not happen for us.

10. What is your favorite thing about the state you live in? If nothing, why do you not like where you are living?

I hope these questions are not too hard and are fair to ask!  I cannot wait to hear your answers!  Be sure to post on your blog and hashtag #SunshineAward on IG when you have posted!!  

Vanilla Sugar Scrub

Vanilla Sugar Scrub

You will just need a few things from your kitchen that you probably already have!

Here is what you will need:

1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 a cup of olive oil (maybe a little more if too dry)
2 tsp of vanilla


How to:

1. Mix brown sugar & white sugar until completely combined.

2. Slowly add oil and Mix as you go. If you need to add more than what the recipe calls for, do this after you have mixed the 1/2 a cup in completely. I found I needed a little more than a 1/2 a cup.

3. Add in your vanilla and mix well.

4. I store mine in a mason jar, but you could use anything that seals like Tupperware.

5. & that's it! Incredibly easy! 


I use mine before I shave my legs to exfoliate really well which makes for a nice smooth shave. After my shower I moisturize with coconut oil and then put my regular daily moisturizer on top. Right now I am using Philosophy body lotion. 

I plan on making a few different scrubs next week! I am going to make a honey and lemon scrub as well as a cinnamon and coffee scrub. 

Happy exfoliating:)

Covered by His Grace

 This can be such a touchy subject because of everyone's different opinions on the matter, but it has been weighing heavy on my heart lately so I wanted to talk about it a little. Hard times in life have a funny way of bringing things to light that you normally wouldn't think much about.

Here is my question for you...

How many times have you said or heard someone else say "Oh yeah, and they claim to be a Christian" (insert eye roll and huge sigh)?

I am very guilty of this or to some degree of this.  I cannot count on all my fingers(& toes) how many times I have heard someone speak these words.  Where do we get off making such a statement?  Who do we think we are?  A Christian is not someone who claims to be perfect, but a person who is screaming "I am a sinner and I need God's unending love!"  A Christian is someone who honors the Lord and admits they need God's grace to save them from their sins.  A Christian is someone who sends their worries up to God and prays for peace in their journeys through hard times.

We as Christians tend to give ourselves a bad rap of pointing fingers at people for their sins and making them feel unworthy.  There is usually no issue calling out someone else of their sins, but we have a huge issue having our sins called out.  This of course does not go for all Christians, but Non-Christians seem to put all Christians in the same category.  Instead of reaching out to those who have yet to learn the beauty of a relationship with God, they are being ridiculed for all their wrong-doings and torn down because of their sin. As Christians we should be showing them how awesome our Savior is and how great it feels to be saved by His Grace and not counting how many mistakes they are making and not keeping a running count of their sins.  All this is going to accomplish is to push them further and further away from creating a relationship with Him.  I know that I personally do not want to be part of someone's decision to not know God the way I do.

Who are we to judge another sinner? While some sins are thought to be "worse" than others...a sin is a sin. Period.  We are all sinners living in this crazy world.  If only we could worry about our own sins more than everyone else's.  I have found myself looking back at people I met years ago, maybe in high school or before, who were lost and frankly not great people, but they completely turned their lives around and built a relationship with God.  I have caught myself thinking "Pshhh--Please, I know the real you".  <--That is the most absurd thought.  God loves us all unconditionally and accepts us entirely, even our rocky past and terrible sins. If God can accept me for who I am and for what I have done, then why for a second would I question that he wouldn't for someone else?

I know I am a sinner, but I also know that I am covered by God's grace.  This is not an easy out for me to sin and think it is fine because all my sins are forgiven anyways.  It is the reason why I should hold myself to a higher standard and try to be better than I was yesterday. 

I am going to hold myself accountable when I think or say something judgmental.  It is a hard thing to do because naturally we like to have all sorts of opinions of everyone else.  It will not be easy.  I will make mistakes and I will fail, but I know that if I can make a little difference in the lives around me it will be worth it. Just some food for thought and a look into what has been on my mind lately.

Update on life:

We have added a new member to our family this past week!  Meet our new little doodle, Charlie.  We love him so much already and so does his big brother and sister.  In fact, he is Teddy's real little brother. They have the same mama! We are so excited to have another pup to love.

& on the fertility front of things:

We just finished another failed cycle.  We had my monthly blood work done and again my progesterone was above average at 28.7.  My estrogen was again very low at 78. In fact it was even lower this cycle than last. Dr. Parker has decided to continue all of my other medications as usual, but we will be adding Estradiol(pill form of estrogen) and Mucinex at the beginning of my cycle. Hopefully these little things will make a huge difference.  We can only hope!  I have an appointment with Dr. Parker on Monday the 20th of this month to go over what we have learned thus far and I am very excited to see what He thinks! I will be sure to give an update if any new information comes to light.

Until next time...

It all starts with being hurt...

Hurt: Mental or emotional suffering or torment

Anger: An emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.


Jealously/envy: A feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another.


Bitterness: Anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment.

These are just a few common emotions of infertility (& life really), but absolutely not all of them.

  When we are hurt we allow anger to bloom in our hearts. Whether we realize it or not everyone does it. God warns us to guard ourselves when anger is present because a sin is near waiting to take over our thoughts and emotions. If I think back to what began my anger..the start is really just a wound that has become infected with bitterness, envy and hate.


  We shouldn't allow our anger to turn into hate and bitterness that we push into others lives. The only way to conquer sin is to overcome the anger that will linger. The only way to overcome anger is to turn it over to God. Easier said than done most of the time, but I hope that if I say it enough times I can actually follow through at least some of the time.

  Allowing anger to stay in my heart will never help me. It takes over your every thought and action, makes you physically sick from the stress and worry, and causes you to make spur of the moment comments that you can never take back. It's much better to forgive people and/or move past situations than to be angry and hateful, not only for yourself but for others too.

  This not only goes for anger, but jealously and pain that no one has intentionally caused you to feel can turn to anger as well . Sometimes it is not a person that hurt you, but a situation you are in that damages you. When you see others happy or getting what you feel is yours, it hurts and that jealously turns to anger and bitterness.

  People say well just control it and stop getting so worked up. This insanity of infertility is not something you control. Are you aware of the definition of insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Isn't that what I do every cycle? It's craziness. It consumes everything you are and every thought deep down in your bones. The yearning to have a family of your own does not fade or get easier, you just get better with hiding it. It's easy to say I won't get my hopes up and I won't get upset when my friends share their amazing news of child with me, but it never ever fails...I die a little more inside every single time. It literally feels like someone is sucking the breath right from my lungs when I see another negative test or hear of another friend being pregnant.

  This is not to make people feel guilty for living their lives or to say I am not happy for my friends and family. It is just to somehow try and remotely explain the ache I have in my heart. There is no good way to go about explaining it. I know things could be much worse, but for me this is terrible, miserable, torturous pain I go through every single day. I wish I could say it's gotten easier, but that would be a lie.

  This disease I have not only effects me. It effects my family and friends. Those closest to my heart live a lot of the pain I go through and I feel guilty because of that. I should be able to go to my best friends baby showers without feelings of jealousy and bitterness. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to them. I question every day how in the world I am going to ever get past this.  There is a great chance we may never have a child of our own and I need to find a way to accept that somehow. 

  I know God has a master plan for my life and what I feel I need may not be what God KNOWS I need. Learning to accept the life I have and accept his plan without knowing why is the hardest battle I have to handle. We are curious creatures of habit. We know we will never know why God does what he does, but we still beg for the why and the how and the when. Luckily, he never gets tired of hearing our questions. I was reminded of this at service yesterday morning at church. It could not have come at a more perfect timing for me.

  If you are interested in watching my church's sermon from this week I am adding the link here for you.  Hang in there because like with all good things, it takes time to get to the good stuff:)

http://www.gracefellowship.cc/my-bad-church-experience-2014


For now I am hurting, but I hope that with prayer and perseverance I can push myself to have just enough strength to get me through.

I thought I would do a fun post instead of all the serious ones I tend make.

So here are 30 lovely facts about me!:

1.)  Yellow is my favorite color, almost to a fault. Mustard yellow is the best. So, if you want to buy me something yellow i will love you forever and ever.

2.)  I went to school for dental assisting & I loved it, but somehow I ended up as a tanning salon manager & I love this even more.

3.) My life long dream is to have a huge family and a yellow ranch(I told you yellow is amaze balls--you are welcome Jen & Walter) with a big wrap around porch on a huge amount of land with all my little Smathers kiddies running around. Oh and a few animals like another doodle, a couple horses, a piggy, & some chickies.

4.) I love root beer.

5.) Jesus is AWESOME, but seriously though, I love my life because of him.

6.)I love chick flicks, even the cheesy lifetime movies. And I would choose comfy pjs, my couch, and a movie over going out on the town any day of the week.

7.) I love country music entirely too much. I never listen to pop, rap or the biggest hits...I kinda don't even know half of the top 40, sorry Seacrest i still love you.

8.)  I am crazy about junk food. I literally could live off of chips and cookies and soda. It's a terrible habit that I am sure will catch up with me.

9.) I already have my future kids names picked out and if someone close to me uses my names, ill cut them. Totally kidding, but I will still use the names and I do not care how many of my little E's & S's there are in their kindergarten class.

10.) My husband is my best friend, hands down. He rocks my socks!

11.) I'm a little overly obsessed with my doggies and PROUD of it! Dude, my dogs are the best dogs ever and no one can try and tell me their dogs are cooler than mine, I ain't havin' it!

12.) I've been called a girly-girl and materialistic a time or two, but I disagree...I like nice things and I take care of myself there is a difference.

13.) I love love love vintage anything & thrifting. My whole house is made up of my family heirlooms and antique & thrift store finds. Take me to a antique store and ill stay for hours.

14.) Speaking of, my Todd always, always asks me if I could own my own business like he does, what would it be? Ummmm can I please own my own antique shop/Boutique...a girl can dream!

15.) I am constantly told I have an old soul and I take that as a compliment.

16.) I am absolutely not shy and I have no problem carrying on conversation with a complete stranger, but don't you dare make me speak or do anything in front of a group of people because I will undoubtedly flake on you or vomit. Trust me, just don't do it. I was the kid in class who came down with the flu on presentation day and on my presentation make up day, or the kid who all the sudden had a coughing spell on my turn to read out loud. Yep, that's me.

17.) I don't like showing off my goods, which is obviously a good thing, but try shopping in the juniors section and find something that doesn't show Boobs, butt, or belly. GOOD LUCK TO YA!

18.) I am extremely small(5'7 and 110 lbs. to be exact), you don't have to tell me how skinny I am---I totally own a mirror. Just how you don't like to be called chunky or fat, I don't want to be told i am too skinny or I look sick because I'm so thin. I eat, A LOT. So please spare me the "eat a cheeseburger jokes"---I eat them quite often. I just have a fast metabolism, thanks Daddio.

19.) I love a good book. Really inappropriate chick books are my favorites. I'm so lame. I will read just about anything if it is recommended by someone I trust though, so please recommend peeps.

20.) I have major anxiety when people drink alcohol.. I full out panic. No idea why because i used to hang with the best of them. In high school I was terrible and partied way too much for a high school student, let alone an adult. I am not proud of it at all so this is the last time you'll hear me bring that up. Blah.

21.) I've been through a lot more than people even know because I'm very secretive in certain aspects of my life. There are certain things I haven't even shared with Todd because I am just not ready to. One day I would like to think i'll get the courage up to talk it out.

22.) I am a shopping freak, but Todd is worse...He will say I am though.

23.) I get stressed and worry easily. Todd is the complete opposite and is very "chill" about everything, which is one of my favorite qualities of his. He levels me out, thank goodness for that!

24.) Dirty dancing & Pretty woman are my all time favorite movies thanks to my Mama! Julia Roberts is drop dead gorgeous!

25.) I have never been out of the country before, but I want to travel so badly!

26.) I love spaghetti. Only if my Mama or I make it though.

27.) Crafting can be fun & I am pretty good at it for the most part, but usually I get about half way in to a project and get bored or tired and I have to push to make it to the finish line.

28.) Speaking of finish lines, I'm extremely out of shape. I can't tell you the last time I worked out. I always say I am going to start and it never ever happens. I would like to try yoga this year though so I guess we can add that one to my bucket list.

29.) 99.9% of my friends have a couple kids already or are working on their seconds. Slow down people i'm trying to catch up!

30.) Fall is my favorite time of the year without a doubt! 

Now you know some of my deepest darkest secrets and some random & strange things about me.  I am sure it will change your life forever. 

THE END.