Tis' the season to be grumpy...

Oh holiday season, we meet again.

  It is a very bittersweet time of the year for me. It's a time filled of falling colorful leaves, yummy pies, hot chocolate, snowy Christmas mornings, sparkling Christmas trees, perfectly wrapped presents, and extra time with family friends. What's not to love right? You would think it would be the "best time of the year" for me, like it is for so many.  But, every year it's the same story.  I put up our Christmas decorations and start prepping for the holidays only to be disappointed when I finish. Two measly stockings. A Christmas tree with no toys. No elf on the shelf. No cookies for Santa. Just a tree with some dang lights and a couple of stockings. Blah. It's like the life gets sucked right out of what's supposed to be such a joyful time. There is something so magical about Christmas time with children. They are full of excitement and have such happy and giving hearts. Having another Christmas without a child of our own is extremely hard...probably the hardest.

  Every year for Christmas I wish for nothing more than a BIG FAT Positive pregnancy test.  I dream of announcing the amazing news with our family Christmas morning.  I literally have it completely planned out down to the gifts I would give to share the news.  It's almost kind of pathetic how planned out I actually have it!  I just lay in bed at night and think of all the things people would say when we finally told them "We're Pregnant!".  I picture everyone screaming, jumping up and down, tears of happiness, and being smothered with hugs....that would be one awesome day!! Honestly, any day we are able to share that kind of news with our loved ones would be the best day ever, but how cool would it be to be able to on Christmas? Pretty darn cool.

  It is an entirely different ball game dealing with infertility during the holidays.  I cringe at the thought of  waking up on one more Christmas and not hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running in to wake us up on Christmas morning.  It's hard not to think about the facts.  IF we would have gotten pregnant early on when we first started trying we could have had a little 3 year old tearing apart gifts from Santa.  It is especially hard when you think about what could've been.  It is a dangerous place to in your thoughts to visit, but somehow I always end up there.

  We suffer silently seeing other people's children grow up and new children being born, all while we are watching our dreams drift away.  Sometimes it is hard to just remember that we are doing all that we can do and that God is working in our favor to give us a life full of everything he has planned for us. Remembering to just live in the moment and enjoy the holiday spirit for what makes it special is a tough task to handle. We may not have our own bundle of joy, but we cannot let that take away from the other things in our lives that bring us happiness.  I am going to try my very best this year to not let this part of our lives bring me down.  I am going to focus on the bigger picture.  God may not have blessed us with a child of our own, but He did bless us with the greatest gift of all, baby Jesus.  After all, this is what Christmas is truly all about. God sent his son to us to save us from our sins and to give us eternal life in heaven.  I cannot forget that.  This year I will not forget that.

With all of that being said, we will end this cycle of femara and progesterone just days before Christmas.  I will spend this Christmas living out my dreams of sharing the news of a new life with my family Christmas morning, or I will spend it on another lovely dose of my new BFF, Femara. 

May the odds be ever in our favor. 

We got this...I think!

Cheers to the holidays,possible little miracles, and getting fat on Christmas cookies:)

Our Christmas Tree 2013



Infertility: The best thing that ever happened to me.

  I am going to go ahead and assume the title of this post threw you off a bit. I am also going to guess that you have, A. Re-read the title at least once to make sure you have read it correctly, B. Thought "she totally meant to say worst instead of best, & C. You came to the conclusion that I have officially lost it. Luckily, I haven't lost it just yet :).

  Infertility has been the best & the worst thing Todd and I have gone through. It's been the hardest, but most life changing chapter in my life. It has been the scariest, but most hopeful time I've experienced. It's the part of my life that has been filled with the most darkness, but also the time that has been filled with the most trust in God that I've ever had. It's unfortunate that we have had this burden and sadness to carry, but amazingly it really has been a blessing. It has caused me to be stronger than I've ever been, more hopeful than I ever could have imagined, and to be filled with more love for God than I ever thought to be possible. And THAT is pretty awesome if you ask me!  It is weird when I think about how much I have grown in the past four years.  When I look back at the first year compared to now there is really only one explanation for the growth I have made, God.  Even when I didn't have faith in him he was there for me and pushing me through.

  If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing a blog about how infertility has been a blessing in my life, I would have honestly thought you had one too many or you took a little trip to crazy town! This journey has brought so much good even through all the pain. My relationship with Todd has never been stronger than it is now. My family has become closer and have been able to talk about things more openly. My friendships, new & old, have grown tremendously. My relationship with God has brought me so much happiness. Overall, my life rocks! It makes me smile when I think about how blessed I am in this life. It is only by God's endless love that I could get through these trials and it feels so great to not only know that he loves me, but to feel it too!

  It has taken me a very long, hard time to get to the place I am today. I would be lying if I said that I have always put God first and truly believed he has my best interests at heart. There was a time in my life that with all my heart I believed that God did not have my back and that I was being punished for my sins. That was the darkest & loneliest place I've ever been. A life without God in it is no life at all.    It was like someone sucked the life out of me and all hope was gone. Everyday I smiled and laughed, but it was forced, & everyday I held back the tears and bitterness I had built up inside. I was broken and felt like I couldn't be fixed. I try to thank God every day for getting me through that darkness and making me realize he DOES love me and he ALWAYS has my back. I know its so cliché to say, but, I truly believe more than ever that everything really does happen for a reason.  Bringing a child into this world four years ago would have been a completely different experience than it would be now.  Todd and I both had a lot of growing to do as individuals and as a couple and I firmly believe God has a plan for us!

  Infertility is something I have to live with every day and it is a huge part of me, but it is not who I AM.  I have to remind myself of that constantly.  It is so easy to get lost in the moment and lose sight of who you are. I am a girl who loves her husband more than words can say. A girl whose family and friends mean the world to. A girl who chooses a life with God. I am NOT the "infertile girl". It would be so much easier to sit in my infertile bitter world  and sulk about how terrible life is and how unfair the world can be, and oh have I done that! Trust me, I still have my weak moments, but that is not where happiness lives and I want a life FULL of nothing but pure bliss! I refuse to live in a world without happiness...I've lived there and it was not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

  As we begin the next chapter of our "TTC journey" (p.s-TTC= trying to conceive), I am going to try my best to push through it with grace and hope that we will have a child of our own. As my friends and loved ones, all I can ask is that you hold me accountable on my days of weakness and remind me that life is good and I am better than the darkness that creeps its way in. I will warn you, as most of you know already, I am stubborn. I get it from my daddy, haha.  Stick with me friends , it's going to be a bumpy ride. I love you all. XO-

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, & with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And all of the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Mission making baby Smathers & a special prayer for my sweet friends...

  Halleluiah!

No more endometriosis, at least for a little while!  & just because that is the most beautiful thing I've heard in awhile, I'm going say it again...NO MORE ENDO!  Praise God! We are so thankful for Dr. Parker and his commitment to making me a healthier & happier person!!

  & as if that news wasn't amazing enough on its own, we got the official "go ahead" on mission making baby Smathers!  We are so Thrilled that things are moving right along.  Dr. Parker decided to not waste any more time (my kinda dude) & is moving us straight into our next cycle using Femara, Progesterone, and another medication to help control the autoimmune side of endometriosis. For those who do not already know, Femara is a drug used to either A, help those who do not ovulate during their cycle to ovulate, or B to help those who already ovulate, like in my case, to help to create multiple eggs instead of just one .  This will obviously up our chances of conceiving substantially( & of multiples, and to that I say "Bring it on!!"). The Femara will be taken on day 3 of my cycle to boost my ovulation.  Progesterone is the second factor in our plan.  Progesterone levels rise in a woman's cycle after ovulation and if a pregnancy occurs they will continue to rise and help to prepare the uterus for implantation. I will be taking this after I ovulate to help with implantation and to prevent another chemical pregnancy. Dr. Parker is the first doctor to prescribe me a dose of progesterone to help maintain a pregnancy.  This is HUGE!  We will be doing this combo for 3 cycles in hopes that we will not need to move on to further treatments.  We have nothing but hope that this is "it".

On our way to our post op appointment, before I found out all this FANTASTIC news:

  I have felt completely overwhelmed with all the support and love everyone has shown us over the past 3 and a half years, but the past few months has been unreal.  The amount of prayers, kind words, and just the simple things like a "how are you" has been unbelievable. We are so incredibly blessed to have the angels we do in our lives.  I could never say thank you enough!!  God and my friends and family are the reason I am able to keep pushing, and that is something I could never pay back to you all.

  Sadly, with all good news there tends to be some bad news that sneaks its way in.  One of my dearest friend's husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer with a bone metastasis on his shoulder, lower back and hip area, and lymph node.  Today begins his first radiation treatment and later this month he will have his kidney removed.  It gives me goose bumps just typing it, so I can only imagine how my lovely friends are feeling.  It breaks my heart to know they are going through something so horrific.  Through this trial in their lives they have, somehow, remained so incredibly gracious, positive, and hopeful.  Let me tell you folks, this couple is absolutely amazing for that.  Their love for each other and continued love for God will warm even the darkest of souls.  I kept sitting here thinking, why would this happen to them?  They don't deserve this! It really saddens me how much I take for granted daily and how the smallest of things send me over the edge.  And for what?  Your life can be turned upside down in two seconds flat and I'm worried about my Starbucks being made wrong one day or someone cutting me off on my way home from work?  It's absurd where our minds can take us so quickly.  Take time to hug your family, husbands, wives, children, and friends and show them the love you feel for them because you never know where life can take you one minute to the next.

  I would love to continue with a huge prayer chain that has begun on IG for Greg & Tiff.  Please join me in saying a prayer of comfort, strength, healing, and continued hope for this wonderful couple.  My heart goes out to you both!

  At church this past Sunday we had a guest pastor visit and he gave us a wonderful sermon that could not fit my life, nor my friend's lives any better.  I am including it here for those that are interested in listening.  Though my trials are nothing compared to some, this sermon really spoke to me.  The first part of the sermon is an intro and talks about our church and pastor a little bit before he jumps into the sermon, its quite funny but don't feel bad about skipping the first half and jumping right in.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

http://www.gracefellowship.cc/pastor-swap-mark-artrip

Lastly, just a little update on my recovery since surgery:

Things are finally looking and feeling normal again!  It was a rocky and difficult road, but so worth it! ( My dearest Jen, you were so right!)

Again, thank you all so much for your prayers & kind words of encouragement through all of this!  It is more than I could ever ask for!